Rzeznik on Why i hate Barney

BARNEY THE PAEDO PURPLE DINOSAUR

When I was a kid, other than the Air-Con, the best human creation was the TV. The TV was the only form of entertainment that I ever had that time. So most of the show I watch was cartoons and other educational shows. Now speaking about educational shows for children, my favourite was Sesame Street. Oh wait, this is the ‘Rants’ section. I’m not supposed to talk about my favourite shows, I’m suppose to talk about shows that I hate.

Ok, the educational shows that I hated the most were the damn Telefugliestubbies and Barney the Paedo Purple Dinosaur. I hated Teletubbies so much that I don’t even know WTF the show is about. All I know is, there are 4 Aliens-ET-Baby hybrids with TV on their stomach where they show their personal porn collection to each other (they can’t watch the TV on their own tummies so they have to watch their friends’ TV). Since I did not watch any of them, I can’t write about them.

However, I did watched a couple episodes of Barney when I was baby-sitting my cousins. During that time, I really wonder why the heck kids would watch this big damn Purple Dinosaur. They don’t teach anything. In Sesame Street, at least they teach you English and Maths. They thought me my first sensible English ‘F’ words like FFFFFFFFIIIIIIIISSSSSHHHHH = FISH and FFFFFOOOOOOORRRRRKKKKK = FORK. Count Dracula in that same show teaches kids how to count and Cookie Monster teaches kids how to eat cookies.

Barney on the other hand, teaches nothing, they might as well just rename it as ‘Baloney and Friends’ or what not. In every episode, its like the same damn thing in Ultraman; the monster come, trash up some places then Ultraman comes and beats the crap outta the monster, and then the monster open a can of whoop-ass back on Ultraman to balance up the odds. Finally Ultraman thinks that it has reach the 30 minutes show time limit or when he runs outta battery – (the red blinking alarm system on his chest) he shoot the monster with some sort of laser. The same thing happens in Barney’s show, the kids gonna stay back after school, then Barney will suddenly come out of no where and force the kids to hug him and sing song. Then he just disappears after singing his favourite song ‘I Love You’:-

I love you, You love me;

We’re a happy family;

With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you;

Won’t you say you love me too.

Awww, how sweet can this big purple dinosaur be?

To tell you the truth, I hate them, I hate teletubbies and Barney so much that if I have a chance to see them on the street, ima gonna beat them up there and then. Kids should watch shows like Ultraman or Power Rangers where they teach kid martial arts and self-defense. With the crime rate rising high nowadays, and the government only knows how to install security cameras which doesn’t work and the cops are used to search for some unclear porn dvds, you never know when a paedo kidnapper is gonna kidnap you for ‘you know what’. Its like when you’re a kid, your parents always tell you that every stranger down the street is gonna kidnap you to sell and shit or chop your hands off to force you to beg. Chances are, they can and they will. If you watch ‘Ultraman’, at least you can put up a fight or give a struggle when you are facing these problems.

Ok, I might be off topic here. Anyways, of all of those kids’ shows out there, I hate Barney the Purple Dinosaur the most. During my research, I watch 3 seasons of that retarded show and I can tell you, Barney ain’t teaching nuts to the kids. The only thing he ever does is hugging those kids and taking advantage of them by pretending to dance with the children and grab their behind once a while. You must think I’m joking. If you don’t believe me, just grab any Barney dvds and watch for yourselves.

Paedo not Purple

Barney the Purple Dinosaur or sometimes known as Barniscus paedophilious is famous for this child-friendly approachable attitude. Kid just love him, he’s like a kids magnet.

Previously, when Barney first came out, this is how he looks like. At that time, clearly no kids gonna go near him if he were to come out like that. So he gotta change his whole image to this. Which was actually successful by looking at all the victims children fans that he has.

Have you ever wonder why Barney only comes out when the children are all alone? How come when there’s an adult appearance, Barney will return to his soft-toy form. Why can adults join the fun? After all learning is an ageless process. Why can’t Barney conduct his so called ‘learning fun and games’ under the watchful eyes of adults? Does he have anything to hide?

The answer is, Yes, he got lots of things to hide. What you did not know is, he actually has a share in Michael Jackson’s Neverland project. You can see this joint-venture movie which was not release world-wide.

However, he pulled off from the partnership with the King of ‘Pop’ing when MJ disagree to name the project as Paedostic Park.

Also, he’s been seen selling kids to rich old-farts for god-knows-what reasons.

I’m sure most of you still remember his famous song;-

I love you, You love me;

We’re a happy family;

With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you;

Won’t you say you love me too.

Now, what’s up with ‘We’re a happy family’? You’re a dinosaur and I’m a human, there no friggin bloodline between these 2 different species. Furthermore the way Barney puts it is like a paedo telling some kids, ‘come lets play ‘family’, I’m gonna be the the daddy and you are the mommy, come lets go to bed together’. It doesn’t sound correct does it?

With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you;

To tell you the truth, if a person does this to a hawt women like Jessica Alba, there is absolutely no problem, but not kids. If Barney somehow invited Megan Fox from the Transformers and sang this phrase to her, really, I have no objection, and guess what, I’m gonna sing along with him too and respect him like how I respect Edison Chen. (*Edison Chen is a hero to all guys out there but an asshole to all girls out there) But in this case, he invites kids as young as 3 yo’ll and tell them these things. This is sick, and just look at his face when he’s surrounded by children. Makes you wanna beat him up like how Ultraman open a can of whoop-ass on Dinosaurs.

Won’t you say you love me too. – hell no!!!!

This is how Barney looks like when you ask him for a 1 on 1, Lala style.

*I'm not the guy who is beating him up.

Barney’s Friends

1. Baby Boob

Well I dunno about you guys, but for one, WHAT KINDA NAME IS BABY BOOB? Nobody in their right mind will name something as Baby Boob except a Paedo. And Barney’s a male dinosaur, where the heck he got this baby? The only reason I can think of why he brings along a ‘baby-dinosaur’ is to pretend to be harmless to their victims, like a wolf wearing a sheep skin. Either that, or he’s sick of baby dinosaurs and he’s planning to hunt other species.

Baby Boob is seen in most of Barney’s episodes, as a lure to the children. But, seriously, this 'dinosaur' doesn't look like a baby to me.

BJ

No matter how I look at it, this guy is a Triceratops. And as far as I know, there is neither ‘B’ nor ‘J’ in the word ‘Triceratops’ and I guess you all know what does it stands for if you see the ‘Job’ he does.

Furthermore, in all the episodes I watched, BJ seldom comes out. The only time he comes out is when the number of Boy kids are more than Girl kids. (e.g. in 10 children, 6 of them are boys). One can wonder on why he even bother to appear on screen.

Therefore, no matter how I look at him, I still hate him and next time when I have kids, they’re gonna watch wrestling or Sesame Street instead of this retarded show. And I really do hope that one day Ultraman gonna make a show about him beating the crap outta Barney.

Rzeznik's research on the Mat Rempit Menace (Part 4)

Well if anyone outside there really doesn't know whether he is a Mat Rempit or not, kindly go through this check-list.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A MAT REMPIT IF:

1. You have less than RM5 in your wallet

2. You think you have a job

3. Your idea of biker wear is jeans, t-shirt and japanese slippers

4. You think you are superman

5. You think helmets are used during rain to cover your head from getting wet

6. You have tons of biker friends that speak a language that only you understand

7. You think your bike is the most powerful bike in the world

8. Your soon to be girlfriend would have at least slept with 7 of your friends

9. Your current girlfriend is sleeping with 4 of your friends

10. You bet your girlfriend during races cause you only have RM1 for teh tarik later

11. You can maintain a cup of teh tarik for a minimum of 4 hrs before you order another

12. You only need RM10 for the weekend (RM5 for petrol and RM5 for bfast, lunch and dinner)

13. You dont know how to interpret traffic signs

14. You cant understand the traffic light colours and the meaning

15. You dont know how to use your turn signal indicator

16. You think you are smart

17. You loiter with your friends outside some clubs (cant go in cos no money)

18. You shop at the bundle store

19. You love to loiter around any kinda entrance

20. You sit in the "mencangkung" position while loitering

21. Your gf=A1=A6s panties stick out while they're riding pillion

22. You share a pack of cigarette and a can of Coke with 35 of your friends

23. Your gf would leave you for a 4-wheeler anytime

24. You are ugly and dumb

25. You have an ekor hairstyle

26. You only know how to ride a bike (cant afford the car)

27. You wear a cheap metal bracelet

28. You go to gigs and later have an orgy with your friends

29. Your orgy involves 30 rempits and your gf (in some abandoned building)

30. You run when you see the Edisi Siasat crew

31. Your gf aborts her baby in the toilet once in awhile

32. Your bike is much more expensive than your house

33. You live in a 3 room terrace house with 15 other guys

34. You like to sit in the RM1 per song karoke booths and sing

35. You rather spend money on your bike than to buy your gf a bra from the pasar malam

36. You are pissed that the rokok batangs are no where to be found anymore

37. You can't afford to smoke Dunhill

38. You are impotent

38. You are pissed with this article

Rzeznik's research on the Mat Rempit Menace (Part 3)

Rzeznik’s Research on the Mat Rempit Menace (Part 3)

Interview with Rempits

Ok, I had to admit, this IS a very dangerous job and I’m glad that I manage to interview a few of these Rempits and made it out in one piece.

Gay Rempit

I met this guy at some mamak stall and he suggests that we do this interview in his condominium because there will be less disturbance there.

RJ: Hello there

GR: well halo hensem…

RJ: …yea, thanks, before we start, can you put on some clothes please?

GR: ok ok , takde problem

RJ: so er, what is your hobby?

GR: I like to ride boys…er..i mean bikes.

RJ: …ok, so what is so nice about riding BIKES?

GR: ride bike…nice…u see…u imagine u put your body on top of a warm leather…seat…feel so nice…then u pump the bike….with petrol into the hole from behind…then got fuel injection…shiok u know…

RJ: …you sure that we are talking about the same bike?

GR: bike?.. oh oh, motorbike..ya ya that wan nice..very fast…wait awhile ok

RJ: why are you taking off your clothes man?

GR: panas la..come let me lock the windows..outside noise very noisy…u know…my kawan say I very good in massage…u wan try? I massage u…shiok punya…

*at this point, I quickly dash toward the front door and run away from that place, because I really don’t wanna be like this guy:-

http://thestar.com.my/metro/story.asp?file=/2008/1/19/north/20059725&sec=north

Poor Rempit

I met this guy at some kampong, so we have a walk at the nearby field and conduct our interview there.

RJ: so, what is your opinion about Mat Rempits?

PR: I hate them, I hate them very much

RJ: why you hate them? You’re a rempit too what?

PR: i benci them coz their bike more faster than me…my bike slow… no money to mod u know?

RJ: no money? I thought you guys 3R people to get money right?

PR: yala but ackcelli…people here also miskin…I 3R those ppl also takde duit

RJ: then how about the other things that rempits do, like taking drugs to get high and stuff?

PR: drugs? I mane mampu…mahal la…now everything naik harga…panadol 2 ringgit tau…

RJ: so, what you normally to do get high?

PR: oh senang…come I show u

*then he ran towards a nearby cow and…

RJ: OMFG!!! Wtf are you doing man?!!!

PR: u wan try? Very shiok punya…u smell from near bole get high wan…

RJ: at this point, I now what they mean by the term ‘Shit-Head’

*out of curiosity, I decided to find out what makes Cow-Dung so special to them and this is what I found out:-

http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2006/10/22/1161455608771.html

http://www.policeworld.net/vb/archive/index.php?t-1475.html

BraveServant

10-01-2002, 06:01 PM

We've got a few crazy kids around here that have been sniffing methane for quite awhile now.

It seems that a group of teenagers will follow a cow around and as soon as it takes a good health dump, they will place a 5 gal bucket over the fresh warm steamy cow dung and wait about 5 - 10 minutes then a most intelligent (not) young person will pick the bucket straight up and then place his/her head in the bucket and sniff away.

what is this world coming to.

*and now I know that Rempit is not that stupid after all.

High-Rempit (this guy was high on drugs/weed/glue when I interviewed him in this apartment)

RJ: hello, er how come your room smells like weed?

HR: wat weed? Where got weed…this wan rokok only…I open and burn so it burn more faster ma.

RJ: oh ok, anyways you got a bike?

PR: u wan see my bike?

RJ: yea, cause I wanna examine what is so special about Mat Rempit’s bikes.

PR: come come come…I keep my bike inside sini…

RJ: that’s the toilet right?

PR: ya..come see my bike…white colour wan…iz nice…come lets rempit… *rem rem rem…vrrrreeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm eeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnngggggggg* whoa…motor I cekap gile…dah sampai Putrajaya….

*at this point, I know it is pointless to continue the interview as he seems to be so high of himself.

(ok, this guy is the real thing, the ones who 3R people to make a living; I’m glad that I brought my taser along.)

RJ: ok, both of us know that you Mat Rempits are asshole in the streets, eventhough your almighty supreme commander says that you are good people; I still don’t believe a single crap that he said.

RR: u takle say lidet…I Mat Rempits… do many good things….to masyarakat…ekonomi..err dan lain2 la

RJ: what masyarakat, what economics. OK, you tell me one good thing you ever did in your life.

RR: adela…got sekali..i rompak this budak I give him balik 1 ringgit tau...1 ringgit tu banyak tau…1 RINGGIT!!~!! I bagi kat dia so dia bole naik bas balik tau…u see…ni la benda baik I buat.

RJ: wait, you gave that kid 1 buck back to take bus. Isn’t bus fare nowadays is 2 bucks? How da heck that kid gonna take any bus for 1 buck? That’s not a good thing, that’s a stupid thing.

RR: hey, seringgit tu banyak tau…kalau u tak suka, u blah dari sini…u jangan ambik singgit tu..i simpan balik.

RJ: ok ok, so you also said that you contribute to the country economically. So how does any Mat Rempit contribute economically?

RR: ade la, u know…we mat rempits, pump petrol banyak tau…1 motor 5 ringgit…whoa 10 motor ade 50 ringgit tau…untung petrol negara kita banyak 80billion.

RJ: if you wanna talk about contribution, your bike doesn’t contribute nuts. My car alone pumps 100 bucks on a full tank. That’s like what? 50 of your bikes. 10 cars 500 of your bikes. The only thing you rempit contribute is the contribution to the crime statistics and social ills.

*at this point, he sure does look like he’s gonna 3R me, so I took out my taser and shock the living crap outta him.

What the Public Think of Mat Rempits

*in the course of my research, I sent out questionnaires to randomly selected people.

Pneoxian says:-

1. In your own opinion, what is Mat Rempit?

Guys who ride motorcycles. Unlike ordinary law abiding citizens, these menaces to society run amok in the streets causing all kinds of inconveniences for other road users and pedestrians alike. They are often seen riding in groups which multiplies courage when it comes to bullying others or even fighting back against representatives of the authority. Deviant acts involve hogging the entire road for whatever purposes, harassing innocent road users and pedestrians and idiotic stunts which could prove to be fatal if a mistake happens.

2. What do you think we should do with them?

There should be a new where these people should be shot while committing the offenses. Just like criminals armed with weapons threatening the lives of others. Their motorcycles are dangerous killing machines too. Machines that they readily use to threaten the lives of others.

3. In the event if you encounter one who is alone, what would you do with him?

Nothing, because that is what they are without their gang.

Jennifer says:-

1. In your own opinion, what is Mat Rempit?
   
   Mat rempits are basically the Malaysian version of those American Wild Hogs, Some may use a simple normal bike while others use the big expensive harley and so on.
   
   Some are nice. Some are bad.
2. What do you think we should do with them?
   
   I definitely think that they should be banned because it is not “cool” to do stunt on the highway while driving and when its loaded with other cars, because
   A: they’re risking their life.
   B: They scare the guts out of other people, which might also cause accidents.
   C: Rempits are stupid.
   
   If they have that talent of doing such stunts then they should join the BMX competition/club where its only for those bike stunts.
3. In the event if you encounter one who is alone, what would you do with him?
   
   Why should I bother doing anything unless I get attacked I would fight back, but then again what can a female do if he’s holding a knife?
   pepper spray is the max.
   

grunge says:-

1. In your own opinion, what is Mat Rempit?

Any malay/muslim on motorcycle is mat rempit to me.

2. What do you think we should do with them?

3. In the event if you encounter one who is alone, what would you do with him?

Beat them up and then

Daniel says:-

1. In your own opinion, what is Mat Rempit?

a bunch of bastard who had nothing better to do except racing and being nuisance to everyone

2. What do you think we should do with them?

find 1 kill 1, and grind them into dust

3. In the event if you encounter one who is alone, what would you do with him?

Give him a hell of a whacking, leave him severely injured on the road where rempit used the most to "rempit" around and hopefully they crash on him, while watch the show at roadside

As you can see, nobody really likes them.

Defense to Rempits

Ok, now that we all know Mat Rempit is a menace to the public, the next question is what can we do about it?

The local police and the government already said ‘the public cannot depend on the police alone to safeguard the public safety, the members of the public must play their role and contribute to protect their own safety’

Which means that, the cops ain’t gonna do nuts about the rempits and it is up to us, the members of the public to take things into out hands. Here are some ways of what we can do:-

1. Pray hard that one day the parliament will enact the ANTI-REMPIT ACT (ARA)

the ARA will contain a clause which says ‘any group of people who are found riding bikes in groups of 3 or more can be shoot’.

and also 'members of the public can use reasonable force to apprehend Mat-Rempits'

Reasonable Force - is interpreted as "as long he's not dead, it's reasonable"

2. Public Mindset (this is what the public should think when they meet a Mat-Rempit)

a. There is absolutely nothing wrong to run over a Rempit.

- if you are driving and suddenly a Mat Rempit decided to end his life under your car, you have no reason NOT to run over them;

- even if you did run over one, engage the reverse gear and run over them again just to make sure that they’re dead;

b. Your car is worth much more than any Mat Rempit, anytime.

- if you’re driving, and suddenly a Rempit swerve next to you, there is absolutely no reason not to bang him with your car to save your car from damages. (ok la, the Rempit might scratch your car in the process, but its worth it)

c. There is nothing wrong to show your middle finger to a Rempit when they stop next to your car.

d. There’s nothing wrong to beat up a lone Mat-Rempit as they will beat you up if you are alone.

e. The only difference between a bucket of shit and a Mat-Rempit is the bucket.

f. The only difference between a pile of shit and a Mat-Rempit is you wouldn’t step on a pile of shit.

Top 10 Ways to Combat Mat-Rempits

10) when under attack, drive in a zig-zag pattern, if you get lucky you might run one down.

9) if you see a mat rempit approaching on the right side of your car, switch lane to the fast lane without signaling.

8) keep your pet’s feaces in low quality plastic bags and dump them out your window when they are close enough.(out of personal experience, it takes some training, but its fun)

7) Think that your in the game Grand theft auto, and they are the cops.

6) keep a baseball bat in your car, when they are right by you side screen, lower it down and push them with it, or if your aim is good, jam it into his front tyre and you will see that we do not need to spend millions to send a man to space!

5) when they are tailgating you at speed above 60km/h, keep your steering straight, close your eyes and hit you brakes as hard as possible .You can then run over whatever is in front of your car and make a police report on how the horrible mat rempit hit your car from behind.

4) Molotov cocktails can cause 3rd degree burns. Asid bottle cause higher degree.

3) pour you used engine oil on roads frequently used by Mat Rempits, use fine sand on curves and home made spike strips (broken beer bottles glued to gunny sack strips) on sharper corners

2) once you mastered the art of dumping feaces ,try other things, such as urine bags, bowling balls, fire-crackers etc.

1) VOTE OPPOSITION. Opps, I mean, gather a group of Hilux or Storm users to combat the Mat Rempits. Weapons provided.

Rzeznik's research on the Mat Rempit Menace (Part 2)

Now, usually Mat Rempits roam the streets with their ‘kapchai’ bikes in numbers, usually 20 of them in one herd. This is because they only feel safe when in numbers, which also means they only got 1/10 of their balls attached to each of them and that is why when in groups of 20, all of them will have the normal amount of balls which makes them feel damn brave to perform stupid and dangerous stunts.

*’kapchai’ is a small, cheap and low budget bike which is practically half scooter and half motocycle*

Rempits usually come out at night or the eve of public holiday, because in the day time they have to work so that they got sufficient money to pay for the petrol and buy cigarettes. When they are on the road, they will perform all sorts of tricks and stunts based on their imagination and inspiration such as:-

Superman

The main problem that rempits faces everyday is being poor. Being poor means that they cannot afford to buy plane tickets. Even though plane tickets nowadays cost as low as “it’s free to fly with us” – Tony F. still, they cannot afford the tickets due to airport taxes. Therefore, inspired by the world superhero Superman, Rempits decided to modify their bike so with the ‘jetplane-liftoff’ sound (it sounds as though a jet plane is lifting off, but it’s only the ‘sound’ and there’s no effect on the speed of the bike whatsoever) and when riding at night, they will lie down on their belly on top of the bike via ‘Superman Flying’ style and imagine that they are flying (after taking drugs/sniffing cow dung). Surprisingly, even though most of the Rempits never finish high school, they do know about the laws of physics as this stunt lessens the friction of the air.

Cicakman

Cicakman i.e. Gecko-man is a cheap local hybrid imitation between the western Batman and Spiderman. Rempits have the ability to stick onto their bike no matter what happens especially when they involve with an accident which actually ripped their bodies to shreds, we can still find their hands attached on the handles of the bikes like the sticky feet of the gecko. Also, this sticky hand ability is useful during hand-bag snatching and also hanging on their bike during races.

Deadman

Most rempits will perform this stunt at the end of their racing career. This is the most difficult and the only the most bravest Rempit can perform this stunt. (even the rempit king doesn’t have the balls to perform this). The Deadman stunt involves high-speed riding and then topples over the bike 760° and getting dragged by a truck on their belly until their intestines are all over the street. The most important thing is NEVER LET GO THE HANDLE OF THE BIKE if not the stunt is deemed to have failed. Sadly however, each rempit can only perform this stunt only once in their lifetime.

WOW!! Nice try, but this guy over here has failed the Deadman trick because he let go the handle of the bike. Oh well, better luck next time life.

Other Activities indulged by Rempits

1. Street Racing

The most popular of all activities. Each race involves gambling; with maximum bet of 5 bucks only because they are poor. However most of the time, they don’t have the money to bet so as a result, they bet with coke cans, marbles (guli), cigarettes butts, pubic hair and their bitches girlfriends.

2. Taking Drugs (actually, anything which makes them high)

Well, the term ‘taking drugs’ is very wide and we are not talking about ‘Heroin’ or cheap weed here because being poor rempits, the only drug they can ever afford is Panadol and in order to get high they must take the Panadol with Coke, which is totally out of their monthly budget. Therefore, rempits usually search for cheaper alternatives such as cheap glue-sniffing and sniffing cow-dung to make themselves high. (p/s: really, I’m not lying. At first I also don’t believe about the cow-dung thing until I interviewed this rempit guy, which I will post later in part 3)

this is the only kind of glue that a Mat Rempit can afford. However I really do not know how they get high on these.

3. 3R – Rempit, Rompak and Rogol (Ride, Rob and Rape)

Rempit’s MAIN objective in life. Ride, rob and then rape the poor victim. (Guys, if you are unlucky, you might get raped too by these sick gay rempits.) Rempits will 3R everyone they see if they have a chance. The famous notorious 3R rempit is the ‘Kampong Baru Molester’ who is a paedo-shit. This rempit will ride around certain area on his bike looking for young innocent little girls and ask them to search for his imaginary cats (which actually hidden underneath his pants) and then he molests the poor victims. Take note that this sick-shit was never caught. (and guess why?)

Further information of Rempit’s 3R activities can be found on local newspapers almost everyday, and yet no reasonable and workable measure was taken by certain bodies to curb these menaces.

*how can we normal citizens protect ourselves from these Rempits? Defense to Rempit will be posted at Part 3*

4. Gangbang

Rempits often indulge on random free sex between their herds. A partner of a rempit can be shared between every member of the herd. Even though some might argue that sex without protection is dangerous, but we must know that, Mat Rempits are impotent due to wearing tight jeans and riding on the bike whole day with their groin near a heated bike engine, (that actually fried up their balls you see) so there is no need for protection. Even in the event if their partner gets pregnant, they just gonna give birth to the baby and dump it in the toilet or a trash can. (Abandoned babies are common in the Rempit society) The common places where they engage in this activity are normally in abandoned buildings or at public toilets. Due to unhygienic area of their activities, 8 out of 10 Rempits have syphilis or herpes or both.

5. Lepak (sitting at shopping mall stairs)

The lepak trend, where Mat Rempits will take LRT or Monorail all the way from their homes and to shopping malls such as KLCC or Mid Valley just to sit at the stairways and serve as an obstacle to the public. Other than that, the other reason is they just wanna enjoy the air-con at the shopping mall entrance as they are too poor to install air-con in their own home, if they have one.

6. Shuffling at the Entrance of a Club

Being poor, they can never gain entrance to any club, so they will all gather outside the club as though they just went in and pretend to look cool by shuffling at the streets with the soft music echoing from the Club. Sometimes they will play the music from their phones and shuffle in shopping malls.

7. Making cheap 3gp format Porn

Nowadays on the internet, it is easy to find .3gp porn taken by handphone videos. All of them are made, acted and edited by Rempits during their 3R trips or gangbang activity in an abandoned building. (I guess this is the only good thing contributed by Mat Rempits, Local-made porn)

8. Singing in K-Box

If LALAs like to sing in GreenBox, Rempits like to sing in K-Box, a small box-like room with a small tv and 2 microphones to sing. Each song only cost 1 buck and if you buy 5 songs you will get 1 song for free. Normally, singing songs is not the only thing they do inside the K-Box. I’ll leave it to your imagination, (refer to activity 7).

Mat Rempit Hero

Every human in this world has a hero to look up to. Even for Mat Rempits, who are pseudo-humans too have a hero to look up to. Other than the Rempit King, the Rempit Hero is the great GHOST RIDER. If you ask any Mat Rempit what they wanna be when they grow up, 9 out of 10 will say that they wanna be Ghost Rider. However being a moron in nature they cannot differentiate between reality and imagination from a comic book. So sometimes we all can find Mat Rempits douse their bikes with kerosene and lit it so that they look like Ghost Rider’s Bike and this is the result:-

The famous Ghost Rider, acted by Nicholas Cage. (I kinda like this show)










the local Rempit's Ghost Rider...I mean what's left of it after Mat Rempits douse it with kerosene and stuffs.

Rzeznik's Research on the Mat Rempit Menace (Part 1)

Disclaimer – First of all, I would like to apologize for the delay of the release of this article due to unforeseen circumstances. It cannot be denied that this is indeed a dangerous job, however somebody gotta do it. Lastly whatever it is, I would put forward here:-

1. they are my personal friends;
2. they might look like you, speak like you, but its not you;
3. I cannot remember;
4. it is a coincidence.

Mat Rempit, or also known as scums on the road, or pests on the street, or asshole on wheels, but no matter what people call them, Mat Rempit still has a universal definition:-

R – Riders

E – Evolved from

M – Monkeys who are

P – Poor and

I – Idiotic

T- Teens

Mat Rempits, as the definition suggests, actually evolves from Pygmy Chimpanzee as it is known archaically, Pan paniscus. However after the evolution, Mat Rempits are better known as Pan Peniscus as for being the dick as they are on the road.

Generally, Mat Rempits due to the facts that they evolved from our fellow primates; they should have the same intelligence as our normal homo sapiens. However to our dismay, the word ‘Pygmy’ which means ‘small’ or ‘tiny’, from whom they evolved from, actually suggests the size of their brains. Therefore, often we find Mat Rempits have difficulty in reading road signs, speed limits, counting changes, understanding and listening to others and common reasonings. And thus we can find, that although numerous efforts has been applied by certain government and governmental bodies to nurture and educate them, such as rebranding them as ‘Mat Cemerlangs’, giving them jobs such as ‘Mat Skodengs’ or to ferry voters to the voting booth for the up-coming general election, seems to be futile even though in the western countries certain Pan Paniscuses are capable of doing maths and draw paintings after proper training and education.

Commonly, Mat Rempits are also poor from the economic point of view. Even though they have no jobs, they seem to have the money to modify their bikes with decorative gizmos which doesn’t add to the performance of the bike. So how do they have the money to own a bike in the first place one might ask? Throughout my research, I realized that majority of the Mat Rempits doesn’t own a bike i.e. purchasing bikes with their names written on the ownership card. Mat Rempits usually work very hard as a shop-lifter or cash-pincher on the streets during their non-biking days. Usually when they have collected enough money, (no, they don’t go buy a bike) they will go buy a parang so that they can rob other people’s bike. Once they own a bike, they will indulge into 3 categories of jobs, or commonly known as 3Rs. (Rempit, Rogol, and Rompak / Ride, Rape and Rob) and they even have a TV program for it showing on TV13.

If we look at the definition of Mat Rempit, Idiotic and Teens are linked together. Most Rempits aged from 13-26 and having the brain size of a pea, we can see them doing idiotic stunts on ‘their’ bike as though they have training from professional acrobats. However most of the time we find multiple unrecognizable bodies lying down the road where nobody comes forward to claim them and often, most of their bodies are used as cadavers in medical schools or as food to feed the tigers in the zoo.

Here’s an evolution chart of Mat Rempits.

They all started off as a young punk with helmets which later they receive their early training of bike-acrobats at the age of 12. By then, their inner “genetic defects” starts to show on their outsides. When they reach adulthood, they are a full-fledge Rempits where they can perform all sort of stunts which they were trained for. After their adulthood, they will split into 3 paths. 95% of the Mat Rempits will end up dead (Mat-I) by the roadsides. The other 5%, if they live long enough, their “genetic defects” will overpower their human disguise and they will eventually look like one of our evolution brothers.

The Rempit King

The most rarest of them all is the Rempit King. This fine and rare specimen can only be found on 1 country of the world only where one out of 1,000,000 rempits is capable of satisfying the condition to be chosen as the Rempit King. What are the conditions you might ask? The condition that needs to be satisfied in order to become Rempit King is based on pure luck. If a Mat Rempit is lucky enough to 3R (ride, rape and rob) a certain victim who just happens to be some country’s big-shot daughter and promise to marry her, the condition is satisfied and the Rempit King will gain powers such as promising subsidy for petrol to rempits and promising them jobs such as Mat Skodeng and also making sure that other minor rempits won’t be caught by the police for their crimes.

Rempit King’s favourite quote

“macam beruk-beruk di jalanraya” - “like chimps on the street” (referring to their fellow rempits)

Although certain bodies has condemned these rempits and even branded the Rempit King as “Beruk no.1” it seems that there is nothing we can depend on other than ourselves to protect us from this menace. (Defense to the menace will be explain in the later part of this article)

Other Hybrids of Mat Rempits

Mat-Skodeng

Legalized peeping-toms appointed and hired by certain bodies to spy on dating couples. Their favorite spots are usually KLCC and Bangsar. Although the main reason for their appointment is to spot and report lewd activities of the public, it seems that they prefer to record videos of the targeted couples with their handphones and share it with their friends and sell it in Pasar Malam with the title ‘Couple Bangsar’ or ‘KLCC Garden’.

Mat-I (mati)

A dead Mat Rempit. Commonly found along the main road. Do not stop and try to help them as they are already dead and just a mere carcass. Hopefully Mother Nature will get rid of them with bacteria and maggots.

Mat-Paypon

Mat-Paypons are Mat Rempits who hang out at pay-phones booth. Now, at this era where everyone owns a cell-phone, who the heck uses the pay-phone anymore? Well Mat Paypons does, because the handphones that they stole or robbed has run out of credits and they can’t afford to reload it and thus they have to use their hard-earned coins to use the pay-phones. Normally, because they are too poor to even have spare-change, they will often 3R the bypassers who wander too near to the pay-phones. (Please avoid pay-phones which are infested with these scums for your safety.)

Mat-Chat

A term used by LALAs when they see Mat Rempits on the road and asking them ‘watz ur problem ah?’

Mat-Salleh

A common misunderstood term. Mat-Salleh has nothing to do with Mat Rempits. Mat-Salleh is a term used for, preferably Caucasian foreigners by Malaysian Locals.

Mat-Rock

Rocker wannabes, however they do have some skills in their guitar performance. Commonly found performing at Central Market. They look filthy and have long bushy hair and they never wash their hair in their life.

Mat CibaiCemerlang

A legalized Mat Rempit, different name but the same asshole. A rebranding made by the Rempit King so that these minor Rempits can commit any crime and get away with it as long as they wave the country flag while riding. Currently being delegated to ferry aged voters to the voting centre for the up-coming general election. (hopefully the poor voters do not get 3R-ed while on the way back.)