Rzeznik Investigates Local Paranormal Beings

Rzeznik Investigates Local Paranormal Beings

Now, in the media today, the topics that most people have interest to read are always:-

1. SEX;

2. Politics;

3. Sex & Politics;

4. Ghost stories; and

5. Sex.

1. I can’t write about sex because it will make this into another Porn blog. Then viruses and Trojan horses will infest this site. Also I have to rename SHIT into SEX = Special Erotic X-capades and the main topic might be ‘Why Edison Chen is my hero’ or ‘Let me do the Hardening – Chua Solex’;

2. I can’t write about Politics because some people in Bolehland says that all bloggers are liars. Now everyone start to write political blogs such as Mahathir, Khir Toyo, Rempit King etc, are they liars? Anyways, with the recent arrest of Raja Petra Kamaruddin under the Sedition Act, and ISA, sadly to say, I can’t write about politics here;

3. Based on the above, I can’t write this too;

4. Since there’s no sedition on Ghost Stories, therefore I shall write about this.

In Bolehland some local country, there’s a lot of these so-called paranormal activities going on. Therefore, in order to start my article, I’ve decided to conduct an interview with a local Bomoh (local son-of-soil’s shaman) to get more information on the things that I will be studying. Due to privacy matters, let’s name the bomoh as Bomoh F.

BOMOH F

RJ: Hello Bomoh F

BF: whoa u manyak ada sueh..gua tau apasal lu dating cari gua..gua bole tolong lu.
(whoa, you got lotsa bad luck, I know why you come you come to see me, I can help you)

RJ: No, no no, I’m not here to ask for help help, I just wanna ask a few question about paranormal beings.

BF: gua cakap sama u, manyak sueh, manyak setan folo u, u kena book hotel…so gua bole tolong sama u
(I’m telling you, this is bad luck, there are many devil following you, you gotta book hotel so that I can help you)

RJ: Why the heck I must book a hotel, wtf you wanna do? If you wanna help, why not do it here?

BF: lu mau buat sini ah…aiya bole la…gua tolong u…bukak seluar.
(you wanna do it here? Ok then, take off your pants)

RJ: Now this is getting weird, why the hell I must take off my pants?

BF: kalau u tak bukak seluar, amacam gua mau halau itu hantu?!! Cepat bukak!
(if you don’t take off your pants, how can I exorcise the evil spirit, take it off now)

*at this time, he tries to get physical with me; I have to use my taser to teach him a lesson.

Note: In reality, there is no such thing as using sex as a treatment for paranormal disabilities or sickness. After this encounter, I realized that:-

The Reality of myth 1

Evil spirits will not leave your body by having a bomoh poking his ‘equipment’ up your ass.

The Reality of myth 2

To get 20As in PMR or SPM, there is no need to go look for a bomoh or book a hotel for special treatment/rituals. You just need to study smart.

The Reality of myth 3

‘Molesting’, is not a form of treatment or any cure for any disease.

The Reality of myth 4

Drinking ash mixed with pipe water will never cure anything; in fact, it will cause constipation and other diseases.

The Reality of myth 5

There are no such rituals that need to be performed in a hotel. Also, there is no ‘correct/legal’ ritual which requires you to be naked.

(there’s been a lot of cases being these so-called Bomoh raping and molesting their patients in Bolehland, therefore, anyone who wish to seek a certain Bomoh’s help, please kindly bring along a friend or seek for PROFESSIONAL SCIENTIFIC PROVEN help before hand.)

Anyways, since the Bomoh isn’t much of a help, I have to go conduct my own investigation and research. Now I will post out my findings of paranormal beings in Bolehland.

VAMPIRES

In the course of my research, there are 3 types of Vampires. Western, Chinese and local vampires each with their own distinct features.

Western Vampires

Western Vampires are hawt, just look at Kate Beckinsale in Underworld. The famous Vampires known to man-kind are Count Dracula and Blade.

Like any other Vampires, Western ones sucks blood bla bla bla, those normal evil things. It is believed that Vampires are at war with Lycans (Werewolves). Oh yea, Western Vampires can turn to bats.

Rzeznik’s Myths:- it is believed that, Vampirism is a kind of disease which is similar to Rabies (Mad-dog disease). People who are infected with the Vampirism Virus will be addicted to blood and drink it like Ribena everyday.

Chinese Vampire

Chinese Vampires jumps around to travel as their body is stiff due to rigor mortis. In all Chinese vampire movies, we know that they have a sticky forehead where the priest can stick the amulet on their forehead and they will freeze. Chinese Vampires are attracted to the sound of a ringing bell. All Chinese Vampires wears ancient China Magistrates Uniform.

How to protect yourself from Chinese Vampires

1. Chinese Vampires will not be able to see you if you hold your breath;
2. If you pour Black-Dog’s blood at them, they will vaporize;
3. they don’t like garlic bread

Local Vampire

The local vampire is commonly known as the "Pontianak" and is believed to exist in real by certain individual and it is considered a legend by some. The origination of the word "Pontianak" means ‘Children of Pontian’. So if you were born in Pontian, Johor, you are a Pontianak.

It is in general believed that "Pontianak" is the soul of a lady died of child birth. "Pontianak" is basically a female vampire who appears at night. Sometimes she is accompanied by a baby. Normally she is seen at the road side or under a tree. She has long hair. Sometimes she appears young and beautiful to attract male victims. After the victim falls in her trap, she will turn ugly and old with sharp teeth, (which actually happens to every guy after marriage). Attacks would be based on claws, and defense probably on leaping or footwork. She is believed to feed on intestines and blood. "Pontianak" is believed to be attracted by child birth when there is a plenty of blood flowing out from human body, they drink women’s period. In the olden days, measures are taken by the people to prevent the vampire from coming during child birth. She is believed to be scared of thorns. According to the movie Pontianak Sundal Haram, the “Pontianak” is a drama queen who makes a big fuss over something small. “Pontianak’ is commonly seen as a woman with heavy make-up. Many married men claims that they see “Pontianak” every night.

LANGSUIR

An artist impression of a Langsuir

Langsuir is an abbreviation for ‘Olang Sueh’ which means ‘people with bad luck’ in local content.

Different definition:-

Langsuir, is actually a pretty hawt girl who goes out clubbing at night and offer its victims sex. As a return, she will suck your blood. (sounds like any other gold-digger to me).

The Langsuir is believed to be a woman of exquisite beauty and charm who, upon hearing the news of her child's stillbirth, died of shock and became a demon. Women in Bolehland seem to have this particularly horrible tendency to suddenly die of shock and become evil spirits.

Anyways, some bomoh told me that the Langsuir can be stopped or, more precisely, 'domesticated.' To do this, you must catch her, trim her nails and her hair, and bring her to some expensive saloon to have her hair rebonded and buy her a nice dress. (it really sounds like ‘taming’ a gold-digger to me)

Nowadays, Langsuir can be found in Chow Kit, Jalan Alor, common clubbing areas such as Zouk, Poppy, Loft and many other areas.

POCHONG

Pochong – a ghost which is wrapped with ‘kain kapan’ a cloth which is use to wrap dead bodies by Malay custom. Pochong is believed to travel by jumping around because its body is wrapped with the cloth. Some Pochong have a ribbon tied on top of their head which resembles their gender. Pochong can be found in Puchong, Old Klang Road at 11pm everyday.

How to protect yourself from it: it is believed that if you are chased by a Pochong, you must run in zigzag motion because he will follow every step and it will wear out the Pochong energy if you run that way.

A female Pochong. Notice the ribbon on top of its head.

TOYOL

Toyol, is a spirit of a dead baby which is commonly used to steal money from people. It is said that, if you exhume a baby corpse and perform some ritual to it, then you can summon the spirit of the baby as Toyol to steal money from you. Therefore, the Toyol will steal money for you and you have to repay him by:-

1. if the master is a women, then have to breast feed the Toyol;

2. if the master is a man, then have to let the Toyol to suck blood from the master’s toe.

Q1. What if the women got no milk, as in not lactating?

- I guess the women gotta go buy fresh cow milk or whatever milk that the Toyol wants.

Toyol’s Modus Operandi

It is believed that the Toyol goes around stealing other people’s money. However the Toyol only steals half of whatever you have, so that you won’t realized that the money is gone. For example, if you have 50 bucks, it will only steal 25 bucks from you.

(I really don’t know the truthfulness of this statement; it really does sound like the Toyol walks around holding a calculator and change so that it can provide change when they steal from you.)

So a typical Toyol theft case victim would be like:

Victim 1: WTF!?!! I clearly remember I got 100 bucks in my wallet, how come now left 50 bucks?

The reality of myth 6

Any reasonable person can know if you lose HALF of your cash in your wallet.

How to prevent Toyol Theft

It is believed that if you out green beans outside your house, the Toyol will sit down there and play with the green beans until morning, and then he will forget his original mission, i.e. to steal your money.

(I really don’t know how to play with green beans, the only idea I have is to shoot people with it through a straw. I guess modern Toyols will be distracted if you put a PSP outside your house.)

King Toyol

The highest record of money stolen by Toyols is currently held by King Toyol. The King Toyol does not steal half of your money, he steals ALL of it. The King Toyol is so damn powerful that he can even steal tax-payers’ money in broad-daylight and not even a pack of green beans can stop him. Fortunately for us, he was dethroned last March. Even though he was defeated in his ‘duel’ against the people, he still manages to rip-off 9 million bucks through some certain charity funds. That’s how powerful the King Toyol is.

ORANG MINYAK

Orang Minyak, the oil man, is the Bangla who pumps petrol to your car in the nearby petrol station.

‘let me pump you up’ – Orang Minyak

Other definition

Orang Minyak, the oily man, is a serial rapist who has made a pact with the devil. Therefore in order to gain the powers of the DARK SIDE, the Orang Minyak must rape 21 virgins within 7 days.

According to the movie, acted and directed by Malaysia genius artist, P.Ramlee’s ‘Orang Minyak’, this is how the story goes:-

Orang Minyak is a normal distorted ugly fatass who want to be popular with the chicks. Instead of going to the gym, he go pray to some certain Spirit who grant him a wish. So he said ‘I wish I look like Brad Pitt and a body like Rain’. So the spirit too pity to him and grant him his wish but on a condition, ‘thou shall not kill’. As we all know, rules are made to be broken, and soon enough he go step on an ant. Since he has broken the rule, the Spirit got mad and curse to be in ethereal form for eternity and no chicks will be able to look at him. Being such a faggot, he sat down and cried for 4 days straight. Suddenly the Devil appear and told him, ‘hey you, if you wanna be good looking again, all you need to do is rape 21 virgins in 7 days. If you can do that, I might throw in the powers of the Dark Side for you’.

The Ethereal Fatass said ‘aww come on man, without Viagra and a real body, I don’t think I can do it’.

The Devil replied ‘ok, I tell you what, I’m gonna give you a body, covered with oily petrol just in case you need the lubricant’

And so Fatass agreed and he gained the body of Orang Minyak and to proceed with his duty. The Devil reminded him, ‘remember Orang Minyak, 7 days, and it does not include public holidays’.

Q1. What if the Orang Minyak fails to rape enough people during the time period?

- I guess he have to start all over again from day one.

Q2. Do any Orang Minyak manage to fulfill the condition to gain the powers of the DARK SIDE?

- fortunately, none of the Orang Minyaks that exists managed to fulfill the condition. Most probably some factors have been preventing them from success. In the course of my investigation, these are the following factors:-

1. Viagra and Tongkat Ali wasn’t discovered until recently;
2. Orang Minyak kinda enjoyed their work, so they just don’t care whether they gain the powers of the Dark Side, they just wanna bang the victims;
3. Virgins are hard to find nowadays.

Q3. Do Orang Minyak exist today?

- since petrol is getting more expensive by the day, nobody can afford to be Orang Minyak anymore

Orang Minyak’s Modus Operandi

Orang Minyak cover itself with petroleum/oil so that it can slip through the tiniest crack and to avoid getting caught. (Also the petrol act as a lubricant) Orang Minyak is found mostly in University’s Female Hostel. Normally it will come through the window and do his thing at night. Orang Minyak is believed to carry Chloroform and Rophynol with him to makes things easier.

How to protect yourself

1. wear chastity belts;
2. don’t be a virgin;
3. sleep with a lighter.

Hantu Tetek

Literally means Boobs Ghost. Nobody knows how or why Hantu Tetek existed. It is believed that when a woman dies during breast enlargement operation, their spirit remains unrest; they will become the Hantu Tetek. According to reliable sources, eye-witness claims that the Hantu Tetek got really big boobs and it grows at the back and not front. (i dunno about you, but it really sounds ridiculous). Hantu Tetek appears at night (yea they all does) to hunt its victims,

an artist impression on how Hantu Tetek looks like

Hantu Tetek’s Modus Operandi

It will seduce some perverted guy and suffocate them to death with its huge boobs. (actually I really do not know how a man could be attracted with a woman with boobs behind her back). I think perverts don’t really mind dying that way.

How to protect yourself

1. Don’t be a pervert
2. those are always fake

As a conclusion, I realized that local paranormal beings are always based on sex, whether it’s a serial rapist or women offering sex. Anyways I hope that this article proves to be educational to its readers. (yea right)

Rzeznik on Why i hate Barney

BARNEY THE PAEDO PURPLE DINOSAUR

When I was a kid, other than the Air-Con, the best human creation was the TV. The TV was the only form of entertainment that I ever had that time. So most of the show I watch was cartoons and other educational shows. Now speaking about educational shows for children, my favourite was Sesame Street. Oh wait, this is the ‘Rants’ section. I’m not supposed to talk about my favourite shows, I’m suppose to talk about shows that I hate.

Ok, the educational shows that I hated the most were the damn Telefugliestubbies and Barney the Paedo Purple Dinosaur. I hated Teletubbies so much that I don’t even know WTF the show is about. All I know is, there are 4 Aliens-ET-Baby hybrids with TV on their stomach where they show their personal porn collection to each other (they can’t watch the TV on their own tummies so they have to watch their friends’ TV). Since I did not watch any of them, I can’t write about them.

However, I did watched a couple episodes of Barney when I was baby-sitting my cousins. During that time, I really wonder why the heck kids would watch this big damn Purple Dinosaur. They don’t teach anything. In Sesame Street, at least they teach you English and Maths. They thought me my first sensible English ‘F’ words like FFFFFFFFIIIIIIIISSSSSHHHHH = FISH and FFFFFOOOOOOORRRRRKKKKK = FORK. Count Dracula in that same show teaches kids how to count and Cookie Monster teaches kids how to eat cookies.

Barney on the other hand, teaches nothing, they might as well just rename it as ‘Baloney and Friends’ or what not. In every episode, its like the same damn thing in Ultraman; the monster come, trash up some places then Ultraman comes and beats the crap outta the monster, and then the monster open a can of whoop-ass back on Ultraman to balance up the odds. Finally Ultraman thinks that it has reach the 30 minutes show time limit or when he runs outta battery – (the red blinking alarm system on his chest) he shoot the monster with some sort of laser. The same thing happens in Barney’s show, the kids gonna stay back after school, then Barney will suddenly come out of no where and force the kids to hug him and sing song. Then he just disappears after singing his favourite song ‘I Love You’:-

I love you, You love me;

We’re a happy family;

With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you;

Won’t you say you love me too.

Awww, how sweet can this big purple dinosaur be?

To tell you the truth, I hate them, I hate teletubbies and Barney so much that if I have a chance to see them on the street, ima gonna beat them up there and then. Kids should watch shows like Ultraman or Power Rangers where they teach kid martial arts and self-defense. With the crime rate rising high nowadays, and the government only knows how to install security cameras which doesn’t work and the cops are used to search for some unclear porn dvds, you never know when a paedo kidnapper is gonna kidnap you for ‘you know what’. Its like when you’re a kid, your parents always tell you that every stranger down the street is gonna kidnap you to sell and shit or chop your hands off to force you to beg. Chances are, they can and they will. If you watch ‘Ultraman’, at least you can put up a fight or give a struggle when you are facing these problems.

Ok, I might be off topic here. Anyways, of all of those kids’ shows out there, I hate Barney the Purple Dinosaur the most. During my research, I watch 3 seasons of that retarded show and I can tell you, Barney ain’t teaching nuts to the kids. The only thing he ever does is hugging those kids and taking advantage of them by pretending to dance with the children and grab their behind once a while. You must think I’m joking. If you don’t believe me, just grab any Barney dvds and watch for yourselves.

Paedo not Purple

Barney the Purple Dinosaur or sometimes known as Barniscus paedophilious is famous for this child-friendly approachable attitude. Kid just love him, he’s like a kids magnet.

Previously, when Barney first came out, this is how he looks like. At that time, clearly no kids gonna go near him if he were to come out like that. So he gotta change his whole image to this. Which was actually successful by looking at all the victims children fans that he has.

Have you ever wonder why Barney only comes out when the children are all alone? How come when there’s an adult appearance, Barney will return to his soft-toy form. Why can adults join the fun? After all learning is an ageless process. Why can’t Barney conduct his so called ‘learning fun and games’ under the watchful eyes of adults? Does he have anything to hide?

The answer is, Yes, he got lots of things to hide. What you did not know is, he actually has a share in Michael Jackson’s Neverland project. You can see this joint-venture movie which was not release world-wide.

However, he pulled off from the partnership with the King of ‘Pop’ing when MJ disagree to name the project as Paedostic Park.

Also, he’s been seen selling kids to rich old-farts for god-knows-what reasons.

I’m sure most of you still remember his famous song;-

I love you, You love me;

We’re a happy family;

With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you;

Won’t you say you love me too.

Now, what’s up with ‘We’re a happy family’? You’re a dinosaur and I’m a human, there no friggin bloodline between these 2 different species. Furthermore the way Barney puts it is like a paedo telling some kids, ‘come lets play ‘family’, I’m gonna be the the daddy and you are the mommy, come lets go to bed together’. It doesn’t sound correct does it?

With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you;

To tell you the truth, if a person does this to a hawt women like Jessica Alba, there is absolutely no problem, but not kids. If Barney somehow invited Megan Fox from the Transformers and sang this phrase to her, really, I have no objection, and guess what, I’m gonna sing along with him too and respect him like how I respect Edison Chen. (*Edison Chen is a hero to all guys out there but an asshole to all girls out there) But in this case, he invites kids as young as 3 yo’ll and tell them these things. This is sick, and just look at his face when he’s surrounded by children. Makes you wanna beat him up like how Ultraman open a can of whoop-ass on Dinosaurs.

Won’t you say you love me too. – hell no!!!!

This is how Barney looks like when you ask him for a 1 on 1, Lala style.

*I'm not the guy who is beating him up.

Barney’s Friends

1. Baby Boob

Well I dunno about you guys, but for one, WHAT KINDA NAME IS BABY BOOB? Nobody in their right mind will name something as Baby Boob except a Paedo. And Barney’s a male dinosaur, where the heck he got this baby? The only reason I can think of why he brings along a ‘baby-dinosaur’ is to pretend to be harmless to their victims, like a wolf wearing a sheep skin. Either that, or he’s sick of baby dinosaurs and he’s planning to hunt other species.

Baby Boob is seen in most of Barney’s episodes, as a lure to the children. But, seriously, this 'dinosaur' doesn't look like a baby to me.

BJ

No matter how I look at it, this guy is a Triceratops. And as far as I know, there is neither ‘B’ nor ‘J’ in the word ‘Triceratops’ and I guess you all know what does it stands for if you see the ‘Job’ he does.

Furthermore, in all the episodes I watched, BJ seldom comes out. The only time he comes out is when the number of Boy kids are more than Girl kids. (e.g. in 10 children, 6 of them are boys). One can wonder on why he even bother to appear on screen.

Therefore, no matter how I look at him, I still hate him and next time when I have kids, they’re gonna watch wrestling or Sesame Street instead of this retarded show. And I really do hope that one day Ultraman gonna make a show about him beating the crap outta Barney.

Rzeznik's research on the Mat Rempit Menace (Part 4)

Well if anyone outside there really doesn't know whether he is a Mat Rempit or not, kindly go through this check-list.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A MAT REMPIT IF:

1. You have less than RM5 in your wallet

2. You think you have a job

3. Your idea of biker wear is jeans, t-shirt and japanese slippers

4. You think you are superman

5. You think helmets are used during rain to cover your head from getting wet

6. You have tons of biker friends that speak a language that only you understand

7. You think your bike is the most powerful bike in the world

8. Your soon to be girlfriend would have at least slept with 7 of your friends

9. Your current girlfriend is sleeping with 4 of your friends

10. You bet your girlfriend during races cause you only have RM1 for teh tarik later

11. You can maintain a cup of teh tarik for a minimum of 4 hrs before you order another

12. You only need RM10 for the weekend (RM5 for petrol and RM5 for bfast, lunch and dinner)

13. You dont know how to interpret traffic signs

14. You cant understand the traffic light colours and the meaning

15. You dont know how to use your turn signal indicator

16. You think you are smart

17. You loiter with your friends outside some clubs (cant go in cos no money)

18. You shop at the bundle store

19. You love to loiter around any kinda entrance

20. You sit in the "mencangkung" position while loitering

21. Your gf=A1=A6s panties stick out while they're riding pillion

22. You share a pack of cigarette and a can of Coke with 35 of your friends

23. Your gf would leave you for a 4-wheeler anytime

24. You are ugly and dumb

25. You have an ekor hairstyle

26. You only know how to ride a bike (cant afford the car)

27. You wear a cheap metal bracelet

28. You go to gigs and later have an orgy with your friends

29. Your orgy involves 30 rempits and your gf (in some abandoned building)

30. You run when you see the Edisi Siasat crew

31. Your gf aborts her baby in the toilet once in awhile

32. Your bike is much more expensive than your house

33. You live in a 3 room terrace house with 15 other guys

34. You like to sit in the RM1 per song karoke booths and sing

35. You rather spend money on your bike than to buy your gf a bra from the pasar malam

36. You are pissed that the rokok batangs are no where to be found anymore

37. You can't afford to smoke Dunhill

38. You are impotent

38. You are pissed with this article

Rzeznik's research on the Mat Rempit Menace (Part 3)

Rzeznik’s Research on the Mat Rempit Menace (Part 3)

Interview with Rempits

Ok, I had to admit, this IS a very dangerous job and I’m glad that I manage to interview a few of these Rempits and made it out in one piece.

Gay Rempit

I met this guy at some mamak stall and he suggests that we do this interview in his condominium because there will be less disturbance there.

RJ: Hello there

GR: well halo hensem…

RJ: …yea, thanks, before we start, can you put on some clothes please?

GR: ok ok , takde problem

RJ: so er, what is your hobby?

GR: I like to ride boys…er..i mean bikes.

RJ: …ok, so what is so nice about riding BIKES?

GR: ride bike…nice…u see…u imagine u put your body on top of a warm leather…seat…feel so nice…then u pump the bike….with petrol into the hole from behind…then got fuel injection…shiok u know…

RJ: …you sure that we are talking about the same bike?

GR: bike?.. oh oh, motorbike..ya ya that wan nice..very fast…wait awhile ok

RJ: why are you taking off your clothes man?

GR: panas la..come let me lock the windows..outside noise very noisy…u know…my kawan say I very good in massage…u wan try? I massage u…shiok punya…

*at this point, I quickly dash toward the front door and run away from that place, because I really don’t wanna be like this guy:-

http://thestar.com.my/metro/story.asp?file=/2008/1/19/north/20059725&sec=north

Poor Rempit

I met this guy at some kampong, so we have a walk at the nearby field and conduct our interview there.

RJ: so, what is your opinion about Mat Rempits?

PR: I hate them, I hate them very much

RJ: why you hate them? You’re a rempit too what?

PR: i benci them coz their bike more faster than me…my bike slow… no money to mod u know?

RJ: no money? I thought you guys 3R people to get money right?

PR: yala but ackcelli…people here also miskin…I 3R those ppl also takde duit

RJ: then how about the other things that rempits do, like taking drugs to get high and stuff?

PR: drugs? I mane mampu…mahal la…now everything naik harga…panadol 2 ringgit tau…

RJ: so, what you normally to do get high?

PR: oh senang…come I show u

*then he ran towards a nearby cow and…

RJ: OMFG!!! Wtf are you doing man?!!!

PR: u wan try? Very shiok punya…u smell from near bole get high wan…

RJ: at this point, I now what they mean by the term ‘Shit-Head’

*out of curiosity, I decided to find out what makes Cow-Dung so special to them and this is what I found out:-

http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2006/10/22/1161455608771.html

http://www.policeworld.net/vb/archive/index.php?t-1475.html

BraveServant

10-01-2002, 06:01 PM

We've got a few crazy kids around here that have been sniffing methane for quite awhile now.

It seems that a group of teenagers will follow a cow around and as soon as it takes a good health dump, they will place a 5 gal bucket over the fresh warm steamy cow dung and wait about 5 - 10 minutes then a most intelligent (not) young person will pick the bucket straight up and then place his/her head in the bucket and sniff away.

what is this world coming to.

*and now I know that Rempit is not that stupid after all.

High-Rempit (this guy was high on drugs/weed/glue when I interviewed him in this apartment)

RJ: hello, er how come your room smells like weed?

HR: wat weed? Where got weed…this wan rokok only…I open and burn so it burn more faster ma.

RJ: oh ok, anyways you got a bike?

PR: u wan see my bike?

RJ: yea, cause I wanna examine what is so special about Mat Rempit’s bikes.

PR: come come come…I keep my bike inside sini…

RJ: that’s the toilet right?

PR: ya..come see my bike…white colour wan…iz nice…come lets rempit… *rem rem rem…vrrrreeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm eeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnngggggggg* whoa…motor I cekap gile…dah sampai Putrajaya….

*at this point, I know it is pointless to continue the interview as he seems to be so high of himself.

(ok, this guy is the real thing, the ones who 3R people to make a living; I’m glad that I brought my taser along.)

RJ: ok, both of us know that you Mat Rempits are asshole in the streets, eventhough your almighty supreme commander says that you are good people; I still don’t believe a single crap that he said.

RR: u takle say lidet…I Mat Rempits… do many good things….to masyarakat…ekonomi..err dan lain2 la

RJ: what masyarakat, what economics. OK, you tell me one good thing you ever did in your life.

RR: adela…got sekali..i rompak this budak I give him balik 1 ringgit tau...1 ringgit tu banyak tau…1 RINGGIT!!~!! I bagi kat dia so dia bole naik bas balik tau…u see…ni la benda baik I buat.

RJ: wait, you gave that kid 1 buck back to take bus. Isn’t bus fare nowadays is 2 bucks? How da heck that kid gonna take any bus for 1 buck? That’s not a good thing, that’s a stupid thing.

RR: hey, seringgit tu banyak tau…kalau u tak suka, u blah dari sini…u jangan ambik singgit tu..i simpan balik.

RJ: ok ok, so you also said that you contribute to the country economically. So how does any Mat Rempit contribute economically?

RR: ade la, u know…we mat rempits, pump petrol banyak tau…1 motor 5 ringgit…whoa 10 motor ade 50 ringgit tau…untung petrol negara kita banyak 80billion.

RJ: if you wanna talk about contribution, your bike doesn’t contribute nuts. My car alone pumps 100 bucks on a full tank. That’s like what? 50 of your bikes. 10 cars 500 of your bikes. The only thing you rempit contribute is the contribution to the crime statistics and social ills.

*at this point, he sure does look like he’s gonna 3R me, so I took out my taser and shock the living crap outta him.

What the Public Think of Mat Rempits

*in the course of my research, I sent out questionnaires to randomly selected people.

Pneoxian says:-

1. In your own opinion, what is Mat Rempit?

Guys who ride motorcycles. Unlike ordinary law abiding citizens, these menaces to society run amok in the streets causing all kinds of inconveniences for other road users and pedestrians alike. They are often seen riding in groups which multiplies courage when it comes to bullying others or even fighting back against representatives of the authority. Deviant acts involve hogging the entire road for whatever purposes, harassing innocent road users and pedestrians and idiotic stunts which could prove to be fatal if a mistake happens.

2. What do you think we should do with them?

There should be a new where these people should be shot while committing the offenses. Just like criminals armed with weapons threatening the lives of others. Their motorcycles are dangerous killing machines too. Machines that they readily use to threaten the lives of others.

3. In the event if you encounter one who is alone, what would you do with him?

Nothing, because that is what they are without their gang.

Jennifer says:-

1. In your own opinion, what is Mat Rempit?
   
   Mat rempits are basically the Malaysian version of those American Wild Hogs, Some may use a simple normal bike while others use the big expensive harley and so on.
   
   Some are nice. Some are bad.
2. What do you think we should do with them?
   
   I definitely think that they should be banned because it is not “cool” to do stunt on the highway while driving and when its loaded with other cars, because
   A: they’re risking their life.
   B: They scare the guts out of other people, which might also cause accidents.
   C: Rempits are stupid.
   
   If they have that talent of doing such stunts then they should join the BMX competition/club where its only for those bike stunts.
3. In the event if you encounter one who is alone, what would you do with him?
   
   Why should I bother doing anything unless I get attacked I would fight back, but then again what can a female do if he’s holding a knife?
   pepper spray is the max.
   

grunge says:-

1. In your own opinion, what is Mat Rempit?

Any malay/muslim on motorcycle is mat rempit to me.

2. What do you think we should do with them?

3. In the event if you encounter one who is alone, what would you do with him?

Beat them up and then

Daniel says:-

1. In your own opinion, what is Mat Rempit?

a bunch of bastard who had nothing better to do except racing and being nuisance to everyone

2. What do you think we should do with them?

find 1 kill 1, and grind them into dust

3. In the event if you encounter one who is alone, what would you do with him?

Give him a hell of a whacking, leave him severely injured on the road where rempit used the most to "rempit" around and hopefully they crash on him, while watch the show at roadside

As you can see, nobody really likes them.

Defense to Rempits

Ok, now that we all know Mat Rempit is a menace to the public, the next question is what can we do about it?

The local police and the government already said ‘the public cannot depend on the police alone to safeguard the public safety, the members of the public must play their role and contribute to protect their own safety’

Which means that, the cops ain’t gonna do nuts about the rempits and it is up to us, the members of the public to take things into out hands. Here are some ways of what we can do:-

1. Pray hard that one day the parliament will enact the ANTI-REMPIT ACT (ARA)

the ARA will contain a clause which says ‘any group of people who are found riding bikes in groups of 3 or more can be shoot’.

and also 'members of the public can use reasonable force to apprehend Mat-Rempits'

Reasonable Force - is interpreted as "as long he's not dead, it's reasonable"

2. Public Mindset (this is what the public should think when they meet a Mat-Rempit)

a. There is absolutely nothing wrong to run over a Rempit.

- if you are driving and suddenly a Mat Rempit decided to end his life under your car, you have no reason NOT to run over them;

- even if you did run over one, engage the reverse gear and run over them again just to make sure that they’re dead;

b. Your car is worth much more than any Mat Rempit, anytime.

- if you’re driving, and suddenly a Rempit swerve next to you, there is absolutely no reason not to bang him with your car to save your car from damages. (ok la, the Rempit might scratch your car in the process, but its worth it)

c. There is nothing wrong to show your middle finger to a Rempit when they stop next to your car.

d. There’s nothing wrong to beat up a lone Mat-Rempit as they will beat you up if you are alone.

e. The only difference between a bucket of shit and a Mat-Rempit is the bucket.

f. The only difference between a pile of shit and a Mat-Rempit is you wouldn’t step on a pile of shit.

Top 10 Ways to Combat Mat-Rempits

10) when under attack, drive in a zig-zag pattern, if you get lucky you might run one down.

9) if you see a mat rempit approaching on the right side of your car, switch lane to the fast lane without signaling.

8) keep your pet’s feaces in low quality plastic bags and dump them out your window when they are close enough.(out of personal experience, it takes some training, but its fun)

7) Think that your in the game Grand theft auto, and they are the cops.

6) keep a baseball bat in your car, when they are right by you side screen, lower it down and push them with it, or if your aim is good, jam it into his front tyre and you will see that we do not need to spend millions to send a man to space!

5) when they are tailgating you at speed above 60km/h, keep your steering straight, close your eyes and hit you brakes as hard as possible .You can then run over whatever is in front of your car and make a police report on how the horrible mat rempit hit your car from behind.

4) Molotov cocktails can cause 3rd degree burns. Asid bottle cause higher degree.

3) pour you used engine oil on roads frequently used by Mat Rempits, use fine sand on curves and home made spike strips (broken beer bottles glued to gunny sack strips) on sharper corners

2) once you mastered the art of dumping feaces ,try other things, such as urine bags, bowling balls, fire-crackers etc.

1) VOTE OPPOSITION. Opps, I mean, gather a group of Hilux or Storm users to combat the Mat Rempits. Weapons provided.