Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Rzeznik's research on the Mat Rempit Menace (Part 4)

Well if anyone outside there really doesn't know whether he is a Mat Rempit or not, kindly go through this check-list.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A MAT REMPIT IF:

1. You have less than RM5 in your wallet

2. You think you have a job

3. Your idea of biker wear is jeans, t-shirt and japanese slippers

4. You think you are superman

5. You think helmets are used during rain to cover your head from getting wet

6. You have tons of biker friends that speak a language that only you understand

7. You think your bike is the most powerful bike in the world

8. Your soon to be girlfriend would have at least slept with 7 of your friends

9. Your current girlfriend is sleeping with 4 of your friends

10. You bet your girlfriend during races cause you only have RM1 for teh tarik later

11. You can maintain a cup of teh tarik for a minimum of 4 hrs before you order another

12. You only need RM10 for the weekend (RM5 for petrol and RM5 for bfast, lunch and dinner)

13. You dont know how to interpret traffic signs

14. You cant understand the traffic light colours and the meaning

15. You dont know how to use your turn signal indicator

16. You think you are smart

17. You loiter with your friends outside some clubs (cant go in cos no money)

18. You shop at the bundle store

19. You love to loiter around any kinda entrance

20. You sit in the "mencangkung" position while loitering

21. Your gf=A1=A6s panties stick out while they're riding pillion

22. You share a pack of cigarette and a can of Coke with 35 of your friends

23. Your gf would leave you for a 4-wheeler anytime

24. You are ugly and dumb

25. You have an ekor hairstyle

26. You only know how to ride a bike (cant afford the car)

27. You wear a cheap metal bracelet

28. You go to gigs and later have an orgy with your friends

29. Your orgy involves 30 rempits and your gf (in some abandoned building)

30. You run when you see the Edisi Siasat crew

31. Your gf aborts her baby in the toilet once in awhile

32. Your bike is much more expensive than your house

33. You live in a 3 room terrace house with 15 other guys

34. You like to sit in the RM1 per song karoke booths and sing

35. You rather spend money on your bike than to buy your gf a bra from the pasar malam

36. You are pissed that the rokok batangs are no where to be found anymore

37. You can't afford to smoke Dunhill

38. You are impotent

38. You are pissed with this article

Rzeznik's research on the Mat Rempit Menace (Part 3)

Rzeznik’s Research on the Mat Rempit Menace (Part 3)

Interview with Rempits

Ok, I had to admit, this IS a very dangerous job and I’m glad that I manage to interview a few of these Rempits and made it out in one piece.

Gay Rempit

I met this guy at some mamak stall and he suggests that we do this interview in his condominium because there will be less disturbance there.






RJ: Hello there

GR: well halo hensem…

RJ: …yea, thanks, before we start, can you put on some clothes please?

GR: ok ok , takde problem

RJ: so er, what is your hobby?

GR: I like to ride boys…er..i mean bikes.

RJ: …ok, so what is so nice about riding BIKES?

GR: ride bike…nice…u see…u imagine u put your body on top of a warm leather…seat…feel so nice…then u pump the bike….with petrol into the hole from behind…then got fuel injection…shiok u know…

RJ: …you sure that we are talking about the same bike?

GR: bike?.. oh oh, motorbike..ya ya that wan nice..very fast…wait awhile ok

RJ: why are you taking off your clothes man?

GR: panas la..come let me lock the windows..outside noise very noisy…u know…my kawan say I very good in massage…u wan try? I massage u…shiok punya…

*at this point, I quickly dash toward the front door and run away from that place, because I really don’t wanna be like this guy:-

http://thestar.com.my/metro/story.asp?file=/2008/1/19/north/20059725&sec=north


Poor Rempit

I met this guy at some kampong, so we have a walk at the nearby field and conduct our interview there.

RJ: so, what is your opinion about Mat Rempits?

PR: I hate them, I hate them very much

RJ: why you hate them? You’re a rempit too what?

PR: i benci them coz their bike more faster than me…my bike slow… no money to mod u know?

RJ: no money? I thought you guys 3R people to get money right?

PR: yala but ackcelli…people here also miskin…I 3R those ppl also takde duit

RJ: then how about the other things that rempits do, like taking drugs to get high and stuff?

PR: drugs? I mane mampu…mahal la…now everything naik harga…panadol 2 ringgit tau…

RJ: so, what you normally to do get high?

PR: oh senang…come I show u

*then he ran towards a nearby cow and…













RJ: OMFG!!! Wtf are you doing man?!!!

PR: u wan try? Very shiok punya…u smell from near bole get high wan…

RJ: at this point, I now what they mean by the term ‘Shit-Head’

*out of curiosity, I decided to find out what makes Cow-Dung so special to them and this is what I found out:-

http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2006/10/22/1161455608771.html

http://www.policeworld.net/vb/archive/index.php?t-1475.html

BraveServant

10-01-2002, 06:01 PM

We've got a few crazy kids around here that have been sniffing methane for quite awhile now.

It seems that a group of teenagers will follow a cow around and as soon as it takes a good health dump, they will place a 5 gal bucket over the fresh warm steamy cow dung and wait about 5 - 10 minutes then a most intelligent (not) young person will pick the bucket straight up and then place his/her head in the bucket and sniff away.

what is this world coming to.

*and now I know that Rempit is not that stupid after all.

High-Rempit (this guy was high on drugs/weed/glue when I interviewed him in this apartment)

RJ: hello, er how come your room smells like weed?

HR: wat weed? Where got weed…this wan rokok only…I open and burn so it burn more faster ma.

RJ: oh ok, anyways you got a bike?

PR: u wan see my bike?

RJ: yea, cause I wanna examine what is so special about Mat Rempit’s bikes.

PR: come come come…I keep my bike inside sini…

RJ: that’s the toilet right?

PR: ya..come see my bike…white colour wan…iz nice…come lets rempit… *rem rem rem…vrrrreeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm eeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnngggggggg* whoa…motor I cekap gile…dah sampai Putrajaya….


*at this point, I know it is pointless to continue the interview as he seems to be so high of himself.







(ok, this guy is the real thing, the ones who 3R people to make a living; I’m glad that I brought my taser along.)







RJ
: ok, both of us know that you Mat Rempits are asshole in the streets, eventhough your almighty supreme commander says that you are good people; I still don’t believe a single crap that he said.

RR: u takle say lidet…I Mat Rempits… do many good things….to masyarakat…ekonomi..err dan lain2 la

RJ: what masyarakat, what economics. OK, you tell me one good thing you ever did in your life.

RR: adela…got sekali..i rompak this budak I give him balik 1 ringgit tau...1 ringgit tu banyak tau…1 RINGGIT!!~!! I bagi kat dia so dia bole naik bas balik tau…u see…ni la benda baik I buat.

RJ: wait, you gave that kid 1 buck back to take bus. Isn’t bus fare nowadays is 2 bucks? How da heck that kid gonna take any bus for 1 buck? That’s not a good thing, that’s a stupid thing.

RR: hey, seringgit tu banyak tau…kalau u tak suka, u blah dari sini…u jangan ambik singgit tu..i simpan balik.

RJ: ok ok, so you also said that you contribute to the country economically. So how does any Mat Rempit contribute economically?

RR: ade la, u know…we mat rempits, pump petrol banyak tau…1 motor 5 ringgit…whoa 10 motor ade 50 ringgit tau…untung petrol negara kita banyak 80billion.

RJ: if you wanna talk about contribution, your bike doesn’t contribute nuts. My car alone pumps 100 bucks on a full tank. That’s like what? 50 of your bikes. 10 cars 500 of your bikes. The only thing you rempit contribute is the contribution to the crime statistics and social ills.

*at this point, he sure does look like he’s gonna 3R me, so I took out my taser and shock the living crap outta him.

What the Public Think of Mat Rempits

*in the course of my research, I sent out questionnaires to randomly selected people.

Pneoxian says:-

  1. In your own opinion, what is Mat Rempit?

Guys who ride motorcycles. Unlike ordinary law abiding citizens, these menaces to society run amok in the streets causing all kinds of inconveniences for other road users and pedestrians alike. They are often seen riding in groups which multiplies courage when it comes to bullying others or even fighting back against representatives of the authority. Deviant acts involve hogging the entire road for whatever purposes, harassing innocent road users and pedestrians and idiotic stunts which could prove to be fatal if a mistake happens.

  1. What do you think we should do with them?

There should be a new where these people should be shot while committing the offenses. Just like criminals armed with weapons threatening the lives of others. Their motorcycles are dangerous killing machines too. Machines that they readily use to threaten the lives of others.

  1. In the event if you encounter one who is alone, what would you do with him?

Nothing, because that is what they are without their gang.

Jennifer says:-

  1. In your own opinion, what is Mat Rempit?

    Mat rempits are basically the Malaysian version of those American Wild Hogs, Some may use a simple normal bike while others use the big expensive harley and so on.

    Some are nice. Some are bad.
  2. What do you think we should do with them?

    I definitely think that they should be banned because it is not “cool” to do stunt on the highway while driving and when its loaded with other cars, because
    A: they’re risking their life.
    B: They scare the guts out of other people, which might also cause accidents.
    C: Rempits are stupid.

    If they have that talent of doing such stunts then they should join the BMX competition/club where its only for those bike stunts.
  3. In the event if you encounter one who is alone, what would you do with him?

    Why should I bother doing anything unless I get attacked I would fight back, but then again what can a female do if he’s holding a knife?
    pepper spray is the max.

grunge says:-

  1. In your own opinion, what is Mat Rempit?

Any malay/muslim on motorcycle is mat rempit to me.

  1. What do you think we should do with them?


  1. In the event if you encounter one who is alone, what would you do with him?

Beat them up and then









Daniel says:-

  1. In your own opinion, what is Mat Rempit?

a bunch of bastard who had nothing better to do except racing and being nuisance to everyone

  1. What do you think we should do with them?

find 1 kill 1, and grind them into dust

  1. In the event if you encounter one who is alone, what would you do with him?

Give him a hell of a whacking, leave him severely injured on the road where rempit used the most to "rempit" around and hopefully they crash on him, while watch the show at roadside


As you can see, nobody really likes them.

Defense to Rempits

Ok, now that we all know Mat Rempit is a menace to the public, the next question is what can we do about it?

The local police and the government already said ‘the public cannot depend on the police alone to safeguard the public safety, the members of the public must play their role and contribute to protect their own safety’

Which means that, the cops ain’t gonna do nuts about the rempits and it is up to us, the members of the public to take things into out hands. Here are some ways of what we can do:-

1. Pray hard that one day the parliament will enact the ANTI-REMPIT ACT (ARA)

the ARA will contain a clause which says ‘any group of people who are found riding bikes in groups of 3 or more can be shoot’.

and also 'members of the public can use reasonable force to apprehend Mat-Rempits'

Reasonable Force - is interpreted as "as long he's not dead, it's reasonable"

2. Public Mindset (this is what the public should think when they meet a Mat-Rempit)

a. There is absolutely nothing wrong to run over a Rempit.

- if you are driving and suddenly a Mat Rempit decided to end his life under your car, you have no reason NOT to run over them;

- even if you did run over one, engage the reverse gear and run over them again just to make sure that they’re dead;

b. Your car is worth much more than any Mat Rempit, anytime.

- if you’re driving, and suddenly a Rempit swerve next to you, there is absolutely no reason not to bang him with your car to save your car from damages. (ok la, the Rempit might scratch your car in the process, but its worth it)

c. There is nothing wrong to show your middle finger to a Rempit when they stop next to your car.

d. There’s nothing wrong to beat up a lone Mat-Rempit as they will beat you up if you are alone.

e. The only difference between a bucket of shit and a Mat-Rempit is the bucket.

f. The only difference between a pile of shit and a Mat-Rempit is you wouldn’t step on a pile of shit.

Top 10 Ways to Combat Mat-Rempits

10) when under attack, drive in a zig-zag pattern, if you get lucky you might run one down.

9) if you see a mat rempit approaching on the right side of your car, switch lane to the fast lane without signaling.

8) keep your pet’s feaces in low quality plastic bags and dump them out your window when they are close enough.(out of personal experience, it takes some training, but its fun)

7) Think that your in the game Grand theft auto, and they are the cops.

6) keep a baseball bat in your car, when they are right by you side screen, lower it down and push them with it, or if your aim is good, jam it into his front tyre and you will see that we do not need to spend millions to send a man to space!

5) when they are tailgating you at speed above 60km/h, keep your steering straight, close your eyes and hit you brakes as hard as possible .You can then run over whatever is in front of your car and make a police report on how the horrible mat rempit hit your car from behind.

4) Molotov cocktails can cause 3rd degree burns. Asid bottle cause higher degree.

3) pour you used engine oil on roads frequently used by Mat Rempits, use fine sand on curves and home made spike strips (broken beer bottles glued to gunny sack strips) on sharper corners

2) once you mastered the art of dumping feaces ,try other things, such as urine bags, bowling balls, fire-crackers etc.

1) VOTE OPPOSITION. Opps, I mean, gather a group of Hilux or Storm users to combat the Mat Rempits. Weapons provided.