RJ Investigates Local Bizarre Medication Treatments

RJ Investigates Local Bizarre Medication Treatments (Part 1)

When we see politicians starts to rap like the MCA’s song, we all know that the world is going to hell. When we know that we can escape from any crime by swearing on any holy book, that’s another sign that the world is going to hell. And the best sign that we know that the world is going to hell is, when humans decided to use other methods to heal themselves rather than using the conventional traditional medication or modern science medicine.

Therefore, today I’m gonna show you some of Bolehland’s most ridiculous bizarre Medication Treatments.

1. Susuk (Sue-sok)

Do you have wrinkled skin? Or maybe double chin, saggy boobs or droopy eyebags? Do you wanna make them disappear? Well wait no longer cause we can make it all disappear with Botox (Botulinum toxin). Yes, just jab a little bit of it into your forehead and you can see the wrinkles disappear in seconds. Also you feel 10 years younger. Don’t wait anymore get your jab of Botox today. (while stocks last)


Sounds like a miracle isn’t it? Well what they did not tell you is there are side effects. Now look at the picture to your left. That explains a lot huh? That is the side effects of Botox. Of course after the first jab you’ll look 10 years younger and prettier. However as time goes by, you will end up like a witch hag, (refer to the left). So in the end, you will need more than just a jab to fix that pretty face of yours. Also, did I mention that Botox is expensive? So if you’re dirt poor, you better not try your luck in this thing.




So, you still wanna get a face lift and don’t have the money for it. Let me introduce to you a more cheaper alternative. You can try ‘Susuk’, the next cheap alternative to Botox.

Wikipedia says: In Bolehland or Indonesia culture, Susuk or charm needles are needles which are inserted in the soft tissues of the body to act as talismans. Susuk has various purposes, ranging from the purely aesthetic to the treatment of joint pain and other minor ailments or to protect against injury and accident. Sounds a lot like acupuncture huh? Ok, what I just wrote are total bullshit. The real purpose for using Susuk is divided into 2 parts, to beautify and to mutilate other people. By inserting needle made from gold or other precious objects to any body part, one can gain all the effect of Botox without side effects. On the other hand, if one uses a rusty needle, then it will have severe side effect and causes massive pimple growth, and other Botox side effects.

Good lord, Why?

Susuk, usually practiced by a certain majority of people in the above said countries are considered ‘haram’ as in illegal as oppose to ‘haLOL’ which is legal in the religion of peace. However, like any other ‘haram’ stuff, they just continue to practice this Susuk thing cause its cheap, reliable, and can be use as a weapon of jealousy. Other than to be used for cosmetic purposes, here are other uses of Susuk:-

Breast Enlargement

To tell you the truth, I really didn’t know about this until I did my research on it. So it works like this, you poke some golden needle into you boobs, and then imagine the size of boobs that you desire in your mind. Voila, instant breast enlargement. There’s no need for surgery or implants.



Charm to seduce people

As stated by some local newspaper:-

‘Untuk memudahkan kerja ‘mengikis’ wang lelaki, ada pelayan pelanggan (GRO) tergamak memakai susuk pada kemaluan mereka bagi memastikan pelanggan sentiasa tunduk dan ingat pada mereka selepas kali pertama melakukan hubungan seks. Amalan khurafat dan bertentangan dengan Islam ini didedahkan seorang bomoh susuk yang mahu dikenali sebagai Chick, yang mendakwa pernah memasukkan susuk pada ramai wanita, termasuk GRO, artis, suri rumah, wanita simpanan dan pondan.’

(in order to suck more money from guys, GROs uses Susuk on their private parts to make sure that customers will always remembers them after having sex with them. A Bomoh (bumiputra shaman) which is known as Chick alleged that he had inserted many Susuk into many womens including GROs, artistes, housewives, mistresses and faggots.)

The Bomoh named Chick

Wow, I didn’t really know about this too. But really, this is some serious shit. Let’s see what the newspapers have to say some more:-

‘Bomoh berusia 50-an tetapi masih kelihatan muda dan berseri itu yang mengakui turut memakai susuk memberitahu, susuk pada kemaluan boleh membuatkan pemakainya hebat beraksi di ranjang dan menjadikan pasangannya tidak boleh melupakan nikmat bersama.

(so, you insert a needle into you vagina and it give your partner an unforgettable night fun together?, I think the only thing they he won't be forgetting is when he inserts his 'needle' into his partner, the gold needle will poke his... sorry guys i can't really imagine what's gonna happen)

“Susuk itu dipakai sama seperti cara pemakaian pada bahagian lain tubuh iaitu mencucuk batang jarum emas sepanjang sebutir pada alat kelamin wanita.

("batang jarum emas sepanjang sebutir... that's a pretty long needle we are talking about, 3 inch mind you... sorry guys and girls, i can't really imagine this too)

“Susuk itu boleh dipakaikan satu, dua atau empat jarum bergantung kepada permintaan dan ia tidak menyakitkan pemakai kerana sudah dijampi,” katanya.

(1, 2, 3 or 4?!!! wow, I guess this is another alternative to body piercing)

Chick yang tidak menjelaskan kadar bayaran yang dikenakan bagi pemasangan susuk pada kemaluan memberitahu, untuk pemasangan susuk di bahagian tubuh biasa seperti muka, dia hanya meminta bayaran bagi barangan yang digunakan sebanyak RM25 bagi susuk kepingan emas, susuk batang emas (RM50) dan susuk berlian (RM150).’

Damn, and it’s only cost 25 bucks for all that stuff. But I really don’t quite like the idea of poking a needle into any private parts. Even though Chick said that it doesn’t hurts cause he/she has already prayed for you, but I strongly recommend that a person in their right mind will not try this thing.

So are there any side effects? Let’s see what Chick has to say about this:-

‘Ditanya kepercayaan sesetengah masyarakat bahawa pemakai susuk susah menghembuskan nafas ketika nazak, Chick berkata, setakat yang diketahui, pemakai susuknya tiada masalah kerana biasanya susuk itu tidak lagi berkesan dan mati (hilang seri) selepas tempoh beberapa tahun jika tidak dijaga.

Beliau juga berpendapat, adegan filem mengenai orang susah hendak mati hingga terpaksa dibongkar bumbung, lantai atau dinding rumah kerana memakai susuk atau muka menjadi buruk akibat melanggar pantang, adalah gimik berlebihan dalam filem, kerana menurut amalannya kesannya bukan seteruk itu.’

Ok, so these are the side effects. You have problems in breathing and whatever you saw in the movies are just exaggerating gimmicks. The real side effects are not that bad. (not that bad as in there are side effects, which I just don’t wanna tell you)

Anyways, here's a hint:-


2. Bomoh ‘Special’ Treatments

Ah yes, the famous ‘special’ treatments from the local Bomohs. As you can see from my earlier post, here I think you will roughly figure out how the whole process goes. Let’s see the what’s the local newspapers has to say about this:-

Source

MUAR: A bomoh has been remanded for a week following a rape report lodged by the mother of a Universiti Teknologi Mara student from Pahang on Monday.The 43-year-old father of eight children was arrested at a restaurant in Tangkak on Tuesday. Muar police chief Asst Comm Daud Ahmad said the 22-year-old student and her mother had come from Pahang to seek treatment for the girl, who was suffering from stress. The mother sent her daughter to the bomoh’s house on Feb 2.“He asked the mother to leave the girl with him and later took her to a resort near Gunung Ledang where he booked a room,” ACP Daud told reporters at his office yesterday.In the room, the bomoh began his “treatment” by asking the girl to strip.
He then proceeded to rape her.

The girl called her mother, who had returned to Pahang, the next day.

Good lord, Why?

So by reading this newspaper report, if you have stress or you wanna get 21 As for your exams or for any other reasons, you should go see a Bomoh. Then he will book a room in some resort and then perform his ‘stress-releasing’ treatment on you (note that only his own stress is released and not yours).

It is believed that the Bomoh is granted super-natural powers by certain Gods for them to cure people from anything through sex. You name it, they can cure it. Ok maybe sometimes they will have other different methods as a treatment, but eventually it will all lead to sexual intercourse.

Therefore, we can conclude here is, why need doctors anymore where you can be cured by sex? Really there are people so gullible to be conned into this simple sexual predator trick. Anyways, even if the Bomoh is convicted, he will be let off if he just swears that’s he didn’t do it. Simple enough? Now everybody wanna be a Bomoh.

(End of Part 1, to be continued in Part 2 where I investigates on more Bizarre Medication treatment from Bolehland).

Rzeznik Reports on the Land of the Rising Sun (Comparing it with Bolehland) Part 2

Greetings and welcome again to Rzeznik Janczyk in da House. This is part 2 of my report on the Land of the Rising Sun. As we remembered Part 1 is all about the toilet and washroom.

In Part 2, I shall report on the convenient things that we have in life, the Vending Machine.In Japan, where people works like a mad cow Kobe cow (Kobe cow is a kind of cow which is pampered all their life, which they eat good food and go on massages and also hot spring baths, which in the end slaughtered for their meat. Their meat is almost 200 bucks per 100 lbs) everyday with full dedication and semangat in order to restore their country’s economy and rebuilding it, they have no time to do any leisure stuff. Thus they need lotsa things in life to be provided to them conveniently like those 7-11 convenient stores and also those instant noodles and stuff. Being a modern country, where they have high tech gadgets, robots and porns – they have created the most high tech convenient thing – the Modern day Vending machine.

So what’s so special about this Modern Vending machine? Let us now explore this gadget:-

1.The Technology

At first glance, it looks damn cool with all those fancy stuff on it. This thing is so high tech, they have some sensor which detects your presence and activates themselves for power saving and efficiency. Heck, they even wish you “konichiwa” when you go near them and when you insert coins into them, they say “arigato gosaimasu” (thank you). Damn, Japanese people are so polite even their machines are polite. Beat that Bolehland.



One must note that all the stuffs that these machines vend are good quality and in good condition. Those stuffs are so good, that even if you have nothing to buy, you just vend it from the machine just to use the friggin high tech machine and then say ‘now why the heck I even buy this thing for?’ after that. Also, these high tech machines guaranteed to work perfectly without problems and take your money without ‘eating’ it, and there’s no need to try with a 10 sen coin to see whether the machine works or not. And guess what, they even give back your change correctly. Now I don’t feel like buying things from humans anymore. (Unless the seller is some hawttie)


2.The Variety

As far as I’m concerned, you can vend anything in Japan. As shown in the above picture, you can vend Porn, oh yes, PORN as shown as the 1st picture, cup noodles, liquor, cigarette, ice creams, drinks, hot food, condom, vegetable, fruits, desserts, weeds, marijuana, cracks, condoms, Rophynol, steroids, shit and the list goes on. Hell, some day they even vend ecstasy pills too. Further, these machines are placed in strategic and convenient places, and it’s safe and sound to use it. With such variety, we don’t need to go to those shops where we have to face with grumpy sellers, or old ill-mannered assholes who selling stuff to you.

This is a porn vending machine. So you just like insert your money, then they will dispense a card for you to slot it to your hotel room TV so you have access to 24 hours of porn. Wow that's alot of porn.









3. Alternative Vending Machines

Being Japanese, they can’t stop having creative ideas to spice up their working life. So sometimes, getting stuff from normal vending machines are too easy and boring. You can’t get any satisfaction in using the item you get from the machine that way. Let see how the process go, 1. Insert coins, 2. Press your item, and 3. Use your item. So simple, even an idiot can do that, no skill needed. Therefore, to spice things up, they created some machines to put some challenge into it. There, you got the ‘Claw Catcher machine’ where is usually use to cheat young teenager’s money by making them catch soft toys for their girls. So what is so special about these machines?


Usually machines such as this manage to scoop up more money than ordinary high tech vending machine do. The trick is this, you insert the coin, and then you use the claw to catch the stuff you want. Simple enough? Yea right. But what you don’t know is this. The claws, if you noticed, are always loose, as in they won’t be able to strongly grasp the item you want. So a normal scenario will be like this:-
The guy inserts the coin and then grabs the toy. When the claw goes up, the toy will simply slip through the claws. And then the guy will go like ‘wtf is this shit’ and inserts another coin. The process is then repeated until they guy says ‘ok, f**k this shit, I’ll get you one from the soft-toy shop”

So in case you haven’t noticed, the claw will only hardens/stiffens when you put a certain amount of money into the machines. So you only have like 1/10000 chance to get the item inside.

Now let’s do some calculation here, 1 soft toy normally cost about 15 – 50 bucks. Normally these machines only put low quality china-made toys, so it only costs about 5-10 bucks. Let’s say that one try is 1 buck. Normally unless you’re friggin lucky, then u can get it on the 1st try. (I once got one on 1st try) so normally you have to try at least 25 – 30 times, so in the end it’s almost 30 bucks for a god-dammed soft toy. But then you feel satisfied cause you caught it with your sweat, effort and energy. Note the word ‘SATISFIED’ is very important here.

Therefore, these Japanese decided to put some other stuff other than soft toys into these Claw Machines, such as milk, ice cream, candies, duct tapes, condoms and what not. People nowadays don’t appreciate what they have and this is how they punish these people. With these machines, people will now be more appreciative with what they bought and be more satisfied when they consume their items. So the next time you use your condoms, you better be grateful that you do not need to try and catch it 10 times before you can actually use it.




Local Vending Machines

Sure enough in Bolehland, they also have vending machines but the contents are only limited to can soft drinks. Further people in Bolehland prefer to buy their drinks from some stall or shops. Why you may ask? As usual like any other things, Vending Machines in Bolehland are not reliable. 9 outta 10 machines doesn’t work, and the one which works will eat your coins and vend either nothing or rotten stuffs. Also, these machines don’t even greet you like Japanese machines do. At most you will be greeted by the notice ‘ROSAK’ pasted on it or the word ‘FACK U’ written on the machine, most probably by some mat rempits cause that’s the only English word the know, and they even spelled it wrong. Did I mention that they don’t return your change and also you must always try with a 10 sen coin to check whether it is working or not? Further most of these machines are located in dangerous spots where Mat Rempits hang out around them preying on helpless people like you and me so they can jump at them to 3R them.

This is a typical Bolehland vending machine. As you can see, it doesn’t work. So you’re better off go get the drinks from the nearby shop.

In conclusion, it is clear that even a war-torn country which was bombed by multiple A-Bombs can still be more modern and sophisticated than this wretched place. I also doubt that even if Bolehland decided to have high tech vending machines, it most probably wouldn’t last long cause it will be vandalized on the 3rd day they are installed. Like they say, First world facilities, Third world mentality. Sigh.