Monday, February 11, 2008

Rzeznik's research on the Mat Rempit Menace (Part 2)

Now, usually Mat Rempits roam the streets with their ‘kapchai’ bikes in numbers, usually 20 of them in one herd. This is because they only feel safe when in numbers, which also means they only got 1/10 of their balls attached to each of them and that is why when in groups of 20, all of them will have the normal amount of balls which makes them feel damn brave to perform stupid and dangerous stunts.

*’kapchai’ is a small, cheap and low budget bike which is practically half scooter and half motocycle*







Rempits usually come out at night or the eve of public holiday, because in the day time they have to work so that they got sufficient money to pay for the petrol and buy cigarettes. When they are on the road, they will perform all sorts of tricks and stunts based on their imagination and inspiration such as:-

Superman

The main problem that rempits faces everyday is being poor. Being poor means that they cannot afford to buy plane tickets. Even though plane tickets nowadays cost as low as “it’s free to fly with us” – Tony F. still, they cannot afford the tickets due to airport taxes. Therefore, inspired by the world superhero Superman, Rempits decided to modify their bike so with the ‘jetplane-liftoff’ sound (it sounds as though a jet plane is lifting off, but it’s only the ‘sound’ and there’s no effect on the speed of the bike whatsoever) and when riding at night, they will lie down on their belly on top of the bike via ‘Superman Flying’ style and imagine that they are flying (after taking drugs/sniffing cow dung). Surprisingly, even though most of the Rempits never finish high school, they do know about the laws of physics as this stunt lessens the friction of the air.


Cicakman


Cicakman i.e. Gecko-man is a cheap local hybrid imitation between the western Batman and Spiderman. Rempits have the ability to stick onto their bike no matter what happens especially when they involve with an accident which actually ripped their bodies to shreds, we can still find their hands attached on the handles of the bikes like the sticky feet of the gecko. Also, this sticky hand ability is useful during hand-bag snatching and also hanging on their bike during races.



Deadman

Most rempits will perform this stunt at the end of their racing career. This is the most difficult and the only the most bravest Rempit can perform this stunt. (even the rempit king doesn’t have the balls to perform this). The Deadman stunt involves high-speed riding and then topples over the bike 760° and getting dragged by a truck on their belly until their intestines are all over the street. The most important thing is NEVER LET GO THE HANDLE OF THE BIKE if not the stunt is deemed to have failed. Sadly however, each rempit can only perform this stunt only once in their lifetime.


WOW!! Nice try, but this guy over here has failed the Deadman trick because he let go the handle of the bike. Oh well, better luck next time life.

Other Activities indulged by Rempits

1. Street Racing

The most popular of all activities. Each race involves gambling; with maximum bet of 5 bucks only because they are poor. However most of the time, they don’t have the money to bet so as a result, they bet with coke cans, marbles (guli), cigarettes butts, pubic hair and their bitches girlfriends.




2. Taking Drugs (actually, anything which makes them high)

Well, the term ‘taking drugs’ is very wide and we are not talking about ‘Heroin’ or cheap weed here because being poor rempits, the only drug they can ever afford is Panadol and in order to get high they must take the Panadol with Coke, which is totally out of their monthly budget. Therefore, rempits usually search for cheaper alternatives such as cheap glue-sniffing and sniffing cow-dung to make themselves high. (p/s: really, I’m not lying. At first I also don’t believe about the cow-dung thing until I interviewed this rempit guy, which I will post later in part 3)

this is the only kind of glue that a Mat Rempit can afford. However I really do not know how they get high on these.









3. 3R – Rempit, Rompak and Rogol (Ride, Rob and Rape)

Rempit’s MAIN objective in life. Ride, rob and then rape the poor victim. (Guys, if you are unlucky, you might get raped too by these sick gay rempits.) Rempits will 3R everyone they see if they have a chance. The famous notorious 3R rempit is the ‘Kampong Baru Molester’ who is a paedo-shit. This rempit will ride around certain area on his bike looking for young innocent little girls and ask them to search for his imaginary cats (which actually hidden underneath his pants) and then he molests the poor victims. Take note that this sick-shit was never caught. (and guess why?)

Further information of Rempit’s 3R activities can be found on local newspapers almost everyday, and yet no reasonable and workable measure was taken by certain bodies to curb these menaces.

*how can we normal citizens protect ourselves from these Rempits? Defense to Rempit will be posted at Part 3*

4. Gangbang

Rempits often indulge on random free sex between their herds. A partner of a rempit can be shared between every member of the herd. Even though some might argue that sex without protection is dangerous, but we must know that, Mat Rempits are impotent due to wearing tight jeans and riding on the bike whole day with their groin near a heated bike engine, (that actually fried up their balls you see) so there is no need for protection. Even in the event if their partner gets pregnant, they just gonna give birth to the baby and dump it in the toilet or a trash can. (Abandoned babies are common in the Rempit society) The common places where they engage in this activity are normally in abandoned buildings or at public toilets. Due to unhygienic area of their activities, 8 out of 10 Rempits have syphilis or herpes or both.

5. Lepak (sitting at shopping mall stairs)

The lepak trend, where Mat Rempits will take LRT or Monorail all the way from their homes and to shopping malls such as KLCC or Mid Valley just to sit at the stairways and serve as an obstacle to the public. Other than that, the other reason is they just wanna enjoy the air-con at the shopping mall entrance as they are too poor to install air-con in their own home, if they have one.




6. Shuffling at the Entrance of a Club

Being poor, they can never gain entrance to any club, so they will all gather outside the club as though they just went in and pretend to look cool by shuffling at the streets with the soft music echoing from the Club. Sometimes they will play the music from their phones and shuffle in shopping malls.

7. Making cheap 3gp format Porn

Nowadays on the internet, it is easy to find .3gp porn taken by handphone videos. All of them are made, acted and edited by Rempits during their 3R trips or gangbang activity in an abandoned building. (I guess this is the only good thing contributed by Mat Rempits, Local-made porn)

8. Singing in K-Box

If LALAs like to sing in GreenBox, Rempits like to sing in K-Box, a small box-like room with a small tv and 2 microphones to sing. Each song only cost 1 buck and if you buy 5 songs you will get 1 song for free. Normally, singing songs is not the only thing they do inside the K-Box. I’ll leave it to your imagination, (refer to activity 7).


Mat Rempit Hero

Every human in this world has a hero to look up to. Even for Mat Rempits, who are pseudo-humans too have a hero to look up to. Other than the Rempit King, the Rempit Hero is the great GHOST RIDER. If you ask any Mat Rempit what they wanna be when they grow up, 9 out of 10 will say that they wanna be Ghost Rider. However being a moron in nature they cannot differentiate between reality and imagination from a comic book. So sometimes we all can find Mat Rempits douse their bikes with kerosene and lit it so that they look like Ghost Rider’s Bike and this is the result:-

The famous Ghost Rider, acted by Nicholas Cage. (I kinda like this show)










the local Rempit's Ghost Rider...I mean what's left of it after Mat Rempits douse it with kerosene and stuffs.

Rzeznik's Research on the Mat Rempit Menace (Part 1)

Disclaimer – First of all, I would like to apologize for the delay of the release of this article due to unforeseen circumstances. It cannot be denied that this is indeed a dangerous job, however somebody gotta do it. Lastly whatever it is, I would put forward here:-
  1. they are my personal friends;
  2. they might look like you, speak like you, but its not you;
  3. I cannot remember;
  4. it is a coincidence.


Mat Rempit, or also known as scums on the road, or pests on the street, or asshole on wheels, but no matter what people call them, Mat Rempit still has a universal definition:-

R – Riders

E – Evolved from

M – Monkeys who are

P – Poor and

I – Idiotic

T- Teens

Mat Rempits, as the definition suggests, actually evolves from Pygmy Chimpanzee as it is known archaically, Pan paniscus. However after the evolution, Mat Rempits are better known as Pan Peniscus as for being the dick as they are on the road.

Generally, Mat Rempits due to the facts that they evolved from our fellow primates; they should have the same intelligence as our normal homo sapiens. However to our dismay, the word ‘Pygmy’ which means ‘small’ or ‘tiny’, from whom they evolved from, actually suggests the size of their brains. Therefore, often we find Mat Rempits have difficulty in reading road signs, speed limits, counting changes, understanding and listening to others and common reasonings. And thus we can find, that although numerous efforts has been applied by certain government and governmental bodies to nurture and educate them, such as rebranding them as ‘Mat Cemerlangs’, giving them jobs such as ‘Mat Skodengs’ or to ferry voters to the voting booth for the up-coming general election, seems to be futile even though in the western countries certain Pan Paniscuses are capable of doing maths and draw paintings after proper training and education.

Commonly, Mat Rempits are also poor from the economic point of view. Even though they have no jobs, they seem to have the money to modify their bikes with decorative gizmos which doesn’t add to the performance of the bike. So how do they have the money to own a bike in the first place one might ask? Throughout my research, I realized that majority of the Mat Rempits doesn’t own a bike i.e. purchasing bikes with their names written on the ownership card. Mat Rempits usually work very hard as a shop-lifter or cash-pincher on the streets during their non-biking days. Usually when they have collected enough money, (no, they don’t go buy a bike) they will go buy a parang so that they can rob other people’s bike. Once they own a bike, they will indulge into 3 categories of jobs, or commonly known as 3Rs. (Rempit, Rogol, and Rompak / Ride, Rape and Rob) and they even have a TV program for it showing on TV13.


If we look at the definition of Mat Rempit, Idiotic and Teens are linked together. Most Rempits aged from 13-26 and having the brain size of a pea, we can see them doing idiotic stunts on ‘their’ bike as though they have training from professional acrobats. However most of the time we find multiple unrecognizable bodies lying down the road where nobody comes forward to claim them and often, most of their bodies are used as cadavers in medical schools or as food to feed the tigers in the zoo.

Here’s an evolution chart of Mat Rempits.


They all started off as a young punk with helmets which later they receive their early training of bike-acrobats at the age of 12. By then, their inner “genetic defects” starts to show on their outsides. When they reach adulthood, they are a full-fledge Rempits where they can perform all sort of stunts which they were trained for. After their adulthood, they will split into 3 paths. 95% of the Mat Rempits will end up dead (Mat-I) by the roadsides. The other 5%, if they live long enough, their “genetic defects” will overpower their human disguise and they will eventually look like one of our evolution brothers.

The Rempit King



The most rarest of them all is the Rempit King. This fine and rare specimen can only be found on 1 country of the world only where one out of 1,000,000 rempits is capable of satisfying the condition to be chosen as the Rempit King. What are the conditions you might ask? The condition that needs to be satisfied in order to become Rempit King is based on pure luck. If a Mat Rempit is lucky enough to 3R (ride, rape and rob) a certain victim who just happens to be some country’s big-shot daughter and promise to marry her, the condition is satisfied and the Rempit King will gain powers such as promising subsidy for petrol to rempits and promising them jobs such as Mat Skodeng and also making sure that other minor rempits won’t be caught by the police for their crimes.

Rempit King’s favourite quote

“macam beruk-beruk di jalanraya” - “like chimps on the street” (referring to their fellow rempits)

Although certain bodies has condemned these rempits and even branded the Rempit King as “Beruk no.1” it seems that there is nothing we can depend on other than ourselves to protect us from this menace. (Defense to the menace will be explain in the later part of this article)

Other Hybrids of Mat Rempits

Mat-Skodeng

Legalized peeping-toms appointed and hired by certain bodies to spy on dating couples. Their favorite spots are usually KLCC and Bangsar. Although the main reason for their appointment is to spot and report lewd activities of the public, it seems that they prefer to record videos of the targeted couples with their handphones and share it with their friends and sell it in Pasar Malam with the title ‘Couple Bangsar’ or ‘KLCC Garden’.

Mat-I (mati)


A dead Mat Rempit. Commonly found along the main road. Do not stop and try to help them as they are already dead and just a mere carcass. Hopefully Mother Nature will get rid of them with bacteria and maggots.

Mat-Paypon

Mat-Paypons are Mat Rempits who hang out at pay-phones booth. Now, at this era where everyone owns a cell-phone, who the heck uses the pay-phone anymore? Well Mat Paypons does, because the handphones that they stole or robbed has run out of credits and they can’t afford to reload it and thus they have to use their hard-earned coins to use the pay-phones. Normally, because they are too poor to even have spare-change, they will often 3R the bypassers who wander too near to the pay-phones. (Please avoid pay-phones which are infested with these scums for your safety.)

Mat-Chat

A term used by LALAs when they see Mat Rempits on the road and asking them ‘watz ur problem ah?’

Mat-Salleh



A common misunderstood term. Mat-Salleh has nothing to do with Mat Rempits. Mat-Salleh is a term used for, preferably Caucasian foreigners by Malaysian Locals.

Mat-Rock

Rocker wannabes, however they do have some skills in their guitar performance. Commonly found performing at Central Market. They look filthy and have long bushy hair and they never wash their hair in their life.

Mat CibaiCemerlang

A legalized Mat Rempit, different name but the same asshole. A rebranding made by the Rempit King so that these minor Rempits can commit any crime and get away with it as long as they wave the country flag while riding. Currently being delegated to ferry aged voters to the voting centre for the up-coming general election. (hopefully the poor voters do not get 3R-ed while on the way back.)