Rzeznik's Research on the Mat Rempit Menace (Part 1)

Disclaimer – First of all, I would like to apologize for the delay of the release of this article due to unforeseen circumstances. It cannot be denied that this is indeed a dangerous job, however somebody gotta do it. Lastly whatever it is, I would put forward here:-

1. they are my personal friends;
2. they might look like you, speak like you, but its not you;
3. I cannot remember;
4. it is a coincidence.

Mat Rempit, or also known as scums on the road, or pests on the street, or asshole on wheels, but no matter what people call them, Mat Rempit still has a universal definition:-

R – Riders

E – Evolved from

M – Monkeys who are

P – Poor and

I – Idiotic

T- Teens

Mat Rempits, as the definition suggests, actually evolves from Pygmy Chimpanzee as it is known archaically, Pan paniscus. However after the evolution, Mat Rempits are better known as Pan Peniscus as for being the dick as they are on the road.

Generally, Mat Rempits due to the facts that they evolved from our fellow primates; they should have the same intelligence as our normal homo sapiens. However to our dismay, the word ‘Pygmy’ which means ‘small’ or ‘tiny’, from whom they evolved from, actually suggests the size of their brains. Therefore, often we find Mat Rempits have difficulty in reading road signs, speed limits, counting changes, understanding and listening to others and common reasonings. And thus we can find, that although numerous efforts has been applied by certain government and governmental bodies to nurture and educate them, such as rebranding them as ‘Mat Cemerlangs’, giving them jobs such as ‘Mat Skodengs’ or to ferry voters to the voting booth for the up-coming general election, seems to be futile even though in the western countries certain Pan Paniscuses are capable of doing maths and draw paintings after proper training and education.

Commonly, Mat Rempits are also poor from the economic point of view. Even though they have no jobs, they seem to have the money to modify their bikes with decorative gizmos which doesn’t add to the performance of the bike. So how do they have the money to own a bike in the first place one might ask? Throughout my research, I realized that majority of the Mat Rempits doesn’t own a bike i.e. purchasing bikes with their names written on the ownership card. Mat Rempits usually work very hard as a shop-lifter or cash-pincher on the streets during their non-biking days. Usually when they have collected enough money, (no, they don’t go buy a bike) they will go buy a parang so that they can rob other people’s bike. Once they own a bike, they will indulge into 3 categories of jobs, or commonly known as 3Rs. (Rempit, Rogol, and Rompak / Ride, Rape and Rob) and they even have a TV program for it showing on TV13.

If we look at the definition of Mat Rempit, Idiotic and Teens are linked together. Most Rempits aged from 13-26 and having the brain size of a pea, we can see them doing idiotic stunts on ‘their’ bike as though they have training from professional acrobats. However most of the time we find multiple unrecognizable bodies lying down the road where nobody comes forward to claim them and often, most of their bodies are used as cadavers in medical schools or as food to feed the tigers in the zoo.

Here’s an evolution chart of Mat Rempits.

They all started off as a young punk with helmets which later they receive their early training of bike-acrobats at the age of 12. By then, their inner “genetic defects” starts to show on their outsides. When they reach adulthood, they are a full-fledge Rempits where they can perform all sort of stunts which they were trained for. After their adulthood, they will split into 3 paths. 95% of the Mat Rempits will end up dead (Mat-I) by the roadsides. The other 5%, if they live long enough, their “genetic defects” will overpower their human disguise and they will eventually look like one of our evolution brothers.

The Rempit King

The most rarest of them all is the Rempit King. This fine and rare specimen can only be found on 1 country of the world only where one out of 1,000,000 rempits is capable of satisfying the condition to be chosen as the Rempit King. What are the conditions you might ask? The condition that needs to be satisfied in order to become Rempit King is based on pure luck. If a Mat Rempit is lucky enough to 3R (ride, rape and rob) a certain victim who just happens to be some country’s big-shot daughter and promise to marry her, the condition is satisfied and the Rempit King will gain powers such as promising subsidy for petrol to rempits and promising them jobs such as Mat Skodeng and also making sure that other minor rempits won’t be caught by the police for their crimes.

Rempit King’s favourite quote

“macam beruk-beruk di jalanraya” - “like chimps on the street” (referring to their fellow rempits)

Although certain bodies has condemned these rempits and even branded the Rempit King as “Beruk no.1” it seems that there is nothing we can depend on other than ourselves to protect us from this menace. (Defense to the menace will be explain in the later part of this article)

Other Hybrids of Mat Rempits

Mat-Skodeng

Legalized peeping-toms appointed and hired by certain bodies to spy on dating couples. Their favorite spots are usually KLCC and Bangsar. Although the main reason for their appointment is to spot and report lewd activities of the public, it seems that they prefer to record videos of the targeted couples with their handphones and share it with their friends and sell it in Pasar Malam with the title ‘Couple Bangsar’ or ‘KLCC Garden’.

Mat-I (mati)

A dead Mat Rempit. Commonly found along the main road. Do not stop and try to help them as they are already dead and just a mere carcass. Hopefully Mother Nature will get rid of them with bacteria and maggots.

Mat-Paypon

Mat-Paypons are Mat Rempits who hang out at pay-phones booth. Now, at this era where everyone owns a cell-phone, who the heck uses the pay-phone anymore? Well Mat Paypons does, because the handphones that they stole or robbed has run out of credits and they can’t afford to reload it and thus they have to use their hard-earned coins to use the pay-phones. Normally, because they are too poor to even have spare-change, they will often 3R the bypassers who wander too near to the pay-phones. (Please avoid pay-phones which are infested with these scums for your safety.)

Mat-Chat

A term used by LALAs when they see Mat Rempits on the road and asking them ‘watz ur problem ah?’

Mat-Salleh

A common misunderstood term. Mat-Salleh has nothing to do with Mat Rempits. Mat-Salleh is a term used for, preferably Caucasian foreigners by Malaysian Locals.

Mat-Rock

Rocker wannabes, however they do have some skills in their guitar performance. Commonly found performing at Central Market. They look filthy and have long bushy hair and they never wash their hair in their life.

Mat CibaiCemerlang

A legalized Mat Rempit, different name but the same asshole. A rebranding made by the Rempit King so that these minor Rempits can commit any crime and get away with it as long as they wave the country flag while riding. Currently being delegated to ferry aged voters to the voting centre for the up-coming general election. (hopefully the poor voters do not get 3R-ed while on the way back.)