Rzeznik Investigates Local Paranormal Beings

Rzeznik Investigates Local Paranormal Beings

Now, in the media today, the topics that most people have interest to read are always:-

1. SEX;

2. Politics;

3. Sex & Politics;

4. Ghost stories; and

5. Sex.

1. I can’t write about sex because it will make this into another Porn blog. Then viruses and Trojan horses will infest this site. Also I have to rename SHIT into SEX = Special Erotic X-capades and the main topic might be ‘Why Edison Chen is my hero’ or ‘Let me do the Hardening – Chua Solex’;

2. I can’t write about Politics because some people in Bolehland says that all bloggers are liars. Now everyone start to write political blogs such as Mahathir, Khir Toyo, Rempit King etc, are they liars? Anyways, with the recent arrest of Raja Petra Kamaruddin under the Sedition Act, and ISA, sadly to say, I can’t write about politics here;

3. Based on the above, I can’t write this too;

4. Since there’s no sedition on Ghost Stories, therefore I shall write about this.

In Bolehland some local country, there’s a lot of these so-called paranormal activities going on. Therefore, in order to start my article, I’ve decided to conduct an interview with a local Bomoh (local son-of-soil’s shaman) to get more information on the things that I will be studying. Due to privacy matters, let’s name the bomoh as Bomoh F.

BOMOH F

RJ: Hello Bomoh F

BF: whoa u manyak ada sueh..gua tau apasal lu dating cari gua..gua bole tolong lu.
(whoa, you got lotsa bad luck, I know why you come you come to see me, I can help you)

RJ: No, no no, I’m not here to ask for help help, I just wanna ask a few question about paranormal beings.

BF: gua cakap sama u, manyak sueh, manyak setan folo u, u kena book hotel…so gua bole tolong sama u
(I’m telling you, this is bad luck, there are many devil following you, you gotta book hotel so that I can help you)

RJ: Why the heck I must book a hotel, wtf you wanna do? If you wanna help, why not do it here?

BF: lu mau buat sini ah…aiya bole la…gua tolong u…bukak seluar.
(you wanna do it here? Ok then, take off your pants)

RJ: Now this is getting weird, why the hell I must take off my pants?

BF: kalau u tak bukak seluar, amacam gua mau halau itu hantu?!! Cepat bukak!
(if you don’t take off your pants, how can I exorcise the evil spirit, take it off now)

*at this time, he tries to get physical with me; I have to use my taser to teach him a lesson.

Note: In reality, there is no such thing as using sex as a treatment for paranormal disabilities or sickness. After this encounter, I realized that:-

The Reality of myth 1

Evil spirits will not leave your body by having a bomoh poking his ‘equipment’ up your ass.

The Reality of myth 2

To get 20As in PMR or SPM, there is no need to go look for a bomoh or book a hotel for special treatment/rituals. You just need to study smart.

The Reality of myth 3

‘Molesting’, is not a form of treatment or any cure for any disease.

The Reality of myth 4

Drinking ash mixed with pipe water will never cure anything; in fact, it will cause constipation and other diseases.

The Reality of myth 5

There are no such rituals that need to be performed in a hotel. Also, there is no ‘correct/legal’ ritual which requires you to be naked.

(there’s been a lot of cases being these so-called Bomoh raping and molesting their patients in Bolehland, therefore, anyone who wish to seek a certain Bomoh’s help, please kindly bring along a friend or seek for PROFESSIONAL SCIENTIFIC PROVEN help before hand.)

Anyways, since the Bomoh isn’t much of a help, I have to go conduct my own investigation and research. Now I will post out my findings of paranormal beings in Bolehland.

VAMPIRES

In the course of my research, there are 3 types of Vampires. Western, Chinese and local vampires each with their own distinct features.

Western Vampires

Western Vampires are hawt, just look at Kate Beckinsale in Underworld. The famous Vampires known to man-kind are Count Dracula and Blade.

Like any other Vampires, Western ones sucks blood bla bla bla, those normal evil things. It is believed that Vampires are at war with Lycans (Werewolves). Oh yea, Western Vampires can turn to bats.

Rzeznik’s Myths:- it is believed that, Vampirism is a kind of disease which is similar to Rabies (Mad-dog disease). People who are infected with the Vampirism Virus will be addicted to blood and drink it like Ribena everyday.

Chinese Vampire

Chinese Vampires jumps around to travel as their body is stiff due to rigor mortis. In all Chinese vampire movies, we know that they have a sticky forehead where the priest can stick the amulet on their forehead and they will freeze. Chinese Vampires are attracted to the sound of a ringing bell. All Chinese Vampires wears ancient China Magistrates Uniform.

How to protect yourself from Chinese Vampires

1. Chinese Vampires will not be able to see you if you hold your breath;
2. If you pour Black-Dog’s blood at them, they will vaporize;
3. they don’t like garlic bread

Local Vampire

The local vampire is commonly known as the "Pontianak" and is believed to exist in real by certain individual and it is considered a legend by some. The origination of the word "Pontianak" means ‘Children of Pontian’. So if you were born in Pontian, Johor, you are a Pontianak.

It is in general believed that "Pontianak" is the soul of a lady died of child birth. "Pontianak" is basically a female vampire who appears at night. Sometimes she is accompanied by a baby. Normally she is seen at the road side or under a tree. She has long hair. Sometimes she appears young and beautiful to attract male victims. After the victim falls in her trap, she will turn ugly and old with sharp teeth, (which actually happens to every guy after marriage). Attacks would be based on claws, and defense probably on leaping or footwork. She is believed to feed on intestines and blood. "Pontianak" is believed to be attracted by child birth when there is a plenty of blood flowing out from human body, they drink women’s period. In the olden days, measures are taken by the people to prevent the vampire from coming during child birth. She is believed to be scared of thorns. According to the movie Pontianak Sundal Haram, the “Pontianak” is a drama queen who makes a big fuss over something small. “Pontianak’ is commonly seen as a woman with heavy make-up. Many married men claims that they see “Pontianak” every night.

LANGSUIR

An artist impression of a Langsuir

Langsuir is an abbreviation for ‘Olang Sueh’ which means ‘people with bad luck’ in local content.

Different definition:-

Langsuir, is actually a pretty hawt girl who goes out clubbing at night and offer its victims sex. As a return, she will suck your blood. (sounds like any other gold-digger to me).

The Langsuir is believed to be a woman of exquisite beauty and charm who, upon hearing the news of her child's stillbirth, died of shock and became a demon. Women in Bolehland seem to have this particularly horrible tendency to suddenly die of shock and become evil spirits.

Anyways, some bomoh told me that the Langsuir can be stopped or, more precisely, 'domesticated.' To do this, you must catch her, trim her nails and her hair, and bring her to some expensive saloon to have her hair rebonded and buy her a nice dress. (it really sounds like ‘taming’ a gold-digger to me)

Nowadays, Langsuir can be found in Chow Kit, Jalan Alor, common clubbing areas such as Zouk, Poppy, Loft and many other areas.

POCHONG

Pochong – a ghost which is wrapped with ‘kain kapan’ a cloth which is use to wrap dead bodies by Malay custom. Pochong is believed to travel by jumping around because its body is wrapped with the cloth. Some Pochong have a ribbon tied on top of their head which resembles their gender. Pochong can be found in Puchong, Old Klang Road at 11pm everyday.

How to protect yourself from it: it is believed that if you are chased by a Pochong, you must run in zigzag motion because he will follow every step and it will wear out the Pochong energy if you run that way.

A female Pochong. Notice the ribbon on top of its head.

TOYOL

Toyol, is a spirit of a dead baby which is commonly used to steal money from people. It is said that, if you exhume a baby corpse and perform some ritual to it, then you can summon the spirit of the baby as Toyol to steal money from you. Therefore, the Toyol will steal money for you and you have to repay him by:-

1. if the master is a women, then have to breast feed the Toyol;

2. if the master is a man, then have to let the Toyol to suck blood from the master’s toe.

Q1. What if the women got no milk, as in not lactating?

- I guess the women gotta go buy fresh cow milk or whatever milk that the Toyol wants.

Toyol’s Modus Operandi

It is believed that the Toyol goes around stealing other people’s money. However the Toyol only steals half of whatever you have, so that you won’t realized that the money is gone. For example, if you have 50 bucks, it will only steal 25 bucks from you.

(I really don’t know the truthfulness of this statement; it really does sound like the Toyol walks around holding a calculator and change so that it can provide change when they steal from you.)

So a typical Toyol theft case victim would be like:

Victim 1: WTF!?!! I clearly remember I got 100 bucks in my wallet, how come now left 50 bucks?

The reality of myth 6

Any reasonable person can know if you lose HALF of your cash in your wallet.

How to prevent Toyol Theft

It is believed that if you out green beans outside your house, the Toyol will sit down there and play with the green beans until morning, and then he will forget his original mission, i.e. to steal your money.

(I really don’t know how to play with green beans, the only idea I have is to shoot people with it through a straw. I guess modern Toyols will be distracted if you put a PSP outside your house.)

King Toyol

The highest record of money stolen by Toyols is currently held by King Toyol. The King Toyol does not steal half of your money, he steals ALL of it. The King Toyol is so damn powerful that he can even steal tax-payers’ money in broad-daylight and not even a pack of green beans can stop him. Fortunately for us, he was dethroned last March. Even though he was defeated in his ‘duel’ against the people, he still manages to rip-off 9 million bucks through some certain charity funds. That’s how powerful the King Toyol is.

ORANG MINYAK

Orang Minyak, the oil man, is the Bangla who pumps petrol to your car in the nearby petrol station.

‘let me pump you up’ – Orang Minyak

Other definition

Orang Minyak, the oily man, is a serial rapist who has made a pact with the devil. Therefore in order to gain the powers of the DARK SIDE, the Orang Minyak must rape 21 virgins within 7 days.

According to the movie, acted and directed by Malaysia genius artist, P.Ramlee’s ‘Orang Minyak’, this is how the story goes:-

Orang Minyak is a normal distorted ugly fatass who want to be popular with the chicks. Instead of going to the gym, he go pray to some certain Spirit who grant him a wish. So he said ‘I wish I look like Brad Pitt and a body like Rain’. So the spirit too pity to him and grant him his wish but on a condition, ‘thou shall not kill’. As we all know, rules are made to be broken, and soon enough he go step on an ant. Since he has broken the rule, the Spirit got mad and curse to be in ethereal form for eternity and no chicks will be able to look at him. Being such a faggot, he sat down and cried for 4 days straight. Suddenly the Devil appear and told him, ‘hey you, if you wanna be good looking again, all you need to do is rape 21 virgins in 7 days. If you can do that, I might throw in the powers of the Dark Side for you’.

The Ethereal Fatass said ‘aww come on man, without Viagra and a real body, I don’t think I can do it’.

The Devil replied ‘ok, I tell you what, I’m gonna give you a body, covered with oily petrol just in case you need the lubricant’

And so Fatass agreed and he gained the body of Orang Minyak and to proceed with his duty. The Devil reminded him, ‘remember Orang Minyak, 7 days, and it does not include public holidays’.

Q1. What if the Orang Minyak fails to rape enough people during the time period?

- I guess he have to start all over again from day one.

Q2. Do any Orang Minyak manage to fulfill the condition to gain the powers of the DARK SIDE?

- fortunately, none of the Orang Minyaks that exists managed to fulfill the condition. Most probably some factors have been preventing them from success. In the course of my investigation, these are the following factors:-

1. Viagra and Tongkat Ali wasn’t discovered until recently;
2. Orang Minyak kinda enjoyed their work, so they just don’t care whether they gain the powers of the Dark Side, they just wanna bang the victims;
3. Virgins are hard to find nowadays.

Q3. Do Orang Minyak exist today?

- since petrol is getting more expensive by the day, nobody can afford to be Orang Minyak anymore

Orang Minyak’s Modus Operandi

Orang Minyak cover itself with petroleum/oil so that it can slip through the tiniest crack and to avoid getting caught. (Also the petrol act as a lubricant) Orang Minyak is found mostly in University’s Female Hostel. Normally it will come through the window and do his thing at night. Orang Minyak is believed to carry Chloroform and Rophynol with him to makes things easier.

How to protect yourself

1. wear chastity belts;
2. don’t be a virgin;
3. sleep with a lighter.

Hantu Tetek

Literally means Boobs Ghost. Nobody knows how or why Hantu Tetek existed. It is believed that when a woman dies during breast enlargement operation, their spirit remains unrest; they will become the Hantu Tetek. According to reliable sources, eye-witness claims that the Hantu Tetek got really big boobs and it grows at the back and not front. (i dunno about you, but it really sounds ridiculous). Hantu Tetek appears at night (yea they all does) to hunt its victims,

an artist impression on how Hantu Tetek looks like

Hantu Tetek’s Modus Operandi

It will seduce some perverted guy and suffocate them to death with its huge boobs. (actually I really do not know how a man could be attracted with a woman with boobs behind her back). I think perverts don’t really mind dying that way.

How to protect yourself

1. Don’t be a pervert
2. those are always fake

As a conclusion, I realized that local paranormal beings are always based on sex, whether it’s a serial rapist or women offering sex. Anyways I hope that this article proves to be educational to its readers. (yea right)